Netflixin: Ninja Cheerleaders

First sign of quality: the production company logo is basically just a rip off of the Fantastic Four logo. Good artists borrow...

We start at a military base. Some ninjas be lurkin. Their goal is a sword in a military museum. Ninja close up: Holy Shit, he's wearing mascara! And he's a she! It's a girl, is what I'm trying to say. They hack the security system, do the old sword switcharoo and disappear into the night. True ninja professionals: in and out without alerting anyone.

Very next scene: they beat the shit out of some soldiers for no reason. Not sure if the crazy motion blur is to imply speed and skill or is just a byproduct of having to speed up the footage of the slow, unskilled actors/stunt team. The world may never know.

Dissolve to Hiroshi Martial Arts School.

HOLY SHIT IT'S GEORGE TAKEI! He is commending the girls on retrieving the sword. Nice touch: the camera pans past each girl, and the actor's names pan along as well.

George Takei as Hiroshi.

Getting the sword back was their final test and now they are ninja. He gives them their swords.

Title: Ninja Cheerleaders. (font and animation: cheesy)

The girls are being interviewed about the assault on the guards and the theft of the sword.

"I don't even speak Japanese."

Now we cut to them at Los Lomas Malas Junior College ("The Jewel of the County") and we get proper character introductions. Accompanied by the song I Know What Boys Like.

First up is April, age 18. Her sign is Aries and she's a brunette. Her favourite band is The Killers. I didn't think this film was so recent. Favourite Book: The Art of War by Sun Tzu. My final year film also name dropped that book. Me and April were meant to be. Favourite Move: Throat/groin combination. Me too! And she looks good in a bikini.

Next up is Monica, who's also 18. But blonde and a Scorpio. Her favourite band is The Strokes. She likes to dance to them in her underwear in her bedroom. I just like to type 'in her'.

Sorry. That was crass.

Her favourite book is Lullaby by Chuck Palaniuk. I have not read that one. I may never read another book now that I have Netflix. Her favourite move is the spinning side kick. Second favourite move: jumping up and down.

Last up is Courtney, she's a Leo and a very mature 19. She's also blonde (WHAT? WHERE THE HELL IS THE REDHEAD?!? LAME!!!) Her favourite band is the L.A. Philharmonic and her favourite book is Black Holes and Time Warps by Kip Thorn. Her favourite move is the open palmed nose punch. Which she demonstrated on some dude's chin.

Courtney, it seems, is trying to get into Brown. And her teacher (who is brown) is trying to get into her pants. This film, man, you have to pay attention. Some dude just tried to put the moves on Courtney, he even used "You want tickets to the gun show?" She shoots him down by pointing out that his erection is pointing out of his fly.

Back to the girls being interviewed. The offscreen interviewer asks them about Red. Red is in the hospital, all beat up. He is also their cheerleading coach. He hit on April. Invited her on a trip to Mexico. Wow these girls have legs. They also have a red bug convertible.

Tits! I looked up from typing and there were tits. Takei is instructing. Some other Asian dude is standing at the back of the class. Takei gives him the eye and then they talk. In Japanese. About the sword. The other dude has a tattoo. I mention this for no reason, I'm sure it won't come up again.

April is sparring against some black dreadlocked dude. They spar with words and fists. April wins.

I think the tits are this movie's version of star wipes. Star wipes are awesome, but I think I prefer tits.

Car chase! The cops chase some dude past a strip club. We stop following the car chase and go into the strip club. I like how this film thinks. Inside the strip club, two men argue about who was more of a military genius; Napoleon or Alexander. The three girls are there as well. The girls drop some historical knowledge on the Napoleon fan's ass. It seems that George Takei owns the strip club. And the girls work at it. They strip as Takei has a business meeting. April gives Takei's business associate a little dance and strips his gun off of him.

Tomorrow night is the All City Strip Off with a fifty-grand prize for first place. The girls are 'dancing' for their scholarship money, and this prize would put them over the top moneywise. Some drunken sailors harass them in the parking lot. They (the sailors) get their asses kicked. April is not afraid to use her nails. April and Courtney are doing all the fighting, Monica is chatting up the one sailor who thought intimidating girls in a parking lot was a bad idea. It was a bad idea, learns the man who April forces to say "I have tiny balls."

The sound mix is a little off. Too much hair rock and not enough dialogue volume.

Back to the interview room. Offscreen voice reads off a list of injuries. "That wasn't me," says Monica, "I just watched."

Monica's mom doesn't approve of their stripping, but she can't argue with her daughter getting accepted into Brown. The girls study and reflect on how far women have come since their mothers' time. They can study science and evolution whereas their mothers studied home ec. Then there is some implied lesbian undertones and tit-wipe to the next day.

They write some finals and decide to spend their lunch break working out. Oh no! The door to Hiroshi's dojo is ajar! The place has been torn apart. They decide to go to the club. They find Manny, the bouncer, shot and bleeding on the floor. They call an ambulance and then Manny tells them to leave. The safe, with all their money, was taken. The girls fret about what to do and decide to visit Jimmy the Snitch. Jimmy was the man who had a meeting with Takei at the club the night previous. April crushes his balls. "I think I made it pop. Neat." the scrotal assault is doing nothing, so they use a garden hose to give him an enema. Then a Vulcan neck pinch to put him in the trunk. Again, they argue about whether or not to write the rest of their finals or find Hiroshi.

They figure Hiroshi would want them to write their finals. I figure the tits in the tit-wipes do not belong to any of these girls.

The finals are now done, the girls are talking about how they did and what they will do next when they are confronted by Detective Harris. As soon as they learn that he is a cop, they turn on their dumb cute act. I kinda like their dumb cute act.

I have no idea what they just said, the sound mix in this is horrible.

April has a chip on her shoulder. She also is good at Googling. She finds out some important plot stuff/backstory. She finds out who the main bad guy is. So do we. We see him electrocuting Hiroshi. We also see Detective Harris bust the girls for obstruction of justice. But they just pick the locks and walk away.

Cut back to the interview room where it is revealed that it has been Detective Harris grilling them all along! OMG!!! Harris has his arm in a sling. I wonder why.

The girls stop by Roland's to pick up their music for tonight's Strip Off. I wonder if we'll see him again.

Back to the interview room where more violence is referenced. Violence we ain't seen yet. Violence we are about to see...

April beats up a bald man because he yelled at some girl scouts. The music that plays during this scene is about as close to Battle Without Honour or Humanity (you know: That song from Kill Bill) as the production company's logo is to the Fantastic Four's. April doesn't beat him up that much though. I wonder if maybe the foreshadowed violence is still yet to occur...

Courtney is picking up their cheerleading outfits from her house. Her drunken step-father, who looks remarkably similar to Sean Penn, gets into a fight with her. Verbal fight only.

The three girls talk a bit. There is some inter-group tension. I haven't minded the acting so far, but this is getting kinda bad. They can do breezy, but the drama is a bit beyond their reach. Within their reach is a bunch of ninja weaponry, and the deed to the club. Which they realize is what the bad guy is after. I think. The sound mix got sucky right around here.

Offscreen throwing star kill! The girls interrupt a dinner meeting of bad guys. The main bad guy, whose name I forget otherwise I would not keep typing 'main bad guy', is not impressed and demands the deed to the club. After the girls leave, a shadowy lady appears. She is confident she will be able to deal with the girls.

Victor Lazarro! That's the main bad guy's name. And Kinji is the name of the mystery lady.

The girls cheer at a basketball game. The tit-wipes also usually involve some ninja and/or cheerleading bits as well. Just so we're clear.

I wonder if it will ever be explained how Hiroshi, the ninja sensei, managed to get himself captured. The girls arranged to have the deed exchange occur at the school during the game. Crossbow hidden in locker! The girls torture a mook to find out where Hiroshi is being held, Kinji gets the drop on the girls, Detective Harris gets the drop on Kinji but Kinji shoots Harris with a crossbow because she is just so damn fast. But the girls are faster! They disappear while Kinji is shooting Harris. They then go to the Strip Off. Wow, this song sucks. Randal should be fired! The girls never get naked. Not sure if I have mentioned that. They are 'dancers'.

Uh oh, Courtney's drunk step-father just stumbled in! He gets kicked in the face as his step-daughter is swinging around on a pole. Tit-wipe! With an extra shot of Hiroshi walking thrown in for no reason! He's still tied up, hanging with Lazarro.

Lot's of sneaky ninja neck-cracking. I wonder if it is actually the same girls in the ninja suits? The girls are getting shot at! It's okay, though, because they are ninja! And so is George Takei! He was playing possum this whole time! Spoilers.

"Ninjas don't use guns!"
"Ah, but I'm old and I forget sometimes."

Kenji appears! They start to fight, but the fight is interrupted by April's cell phone. It's the Strip Off promoter. They won! YAY! The girls fight, as Takei watches and laughs. The weird sped-up look has returned, but not much can help out this swordplay.

Wait! I was wrong! Takei just picked up a sword! Shit just got real! Real full of bad editing and obvious stunt doubles and bad special effects. Fight ends when Hiroshi laughs and touches Kinji's face.

Happy Ending! Credits with out-takes! Set up for sequel! Credits intercut with stripping and ninjas!

Well. That film was much better put together than I was expecting. It looked good. The action could have been better but I have seen a lot worse. The acting was fine. The dialogue was not horrible. Lots of stuff happened. The sound mix was pretty shitty, but that would be my biggest complaint about this film. This odd little film about three strong young women that also introduced the use of tit-wipes. The trade off of this flick being better than I expected is that it is not nearly so bad it's good. It's so good it's average.

Since this is Netflix, and Netflix has a built in ranking system, I can tell you what I told Netflix I thought about Ninja Cheerleader. I gave it three stars. I liked it.