TeReBi

Last night I was riveted to a program on the television. The gist of the show was this: a guy with a handheld video camera and his camera crew prowled a beach in Japan looking for girls to interview. As the camera crew filmed the guy and the girls making small talk, the dude's camera was always aimed at the girls' goodies.

I'm serious. This is how the show went. Guy:"So tell me about your tan." Girl:"Well..." Camera:"BOOBIES!!!" GIrl:"... desu ne." Guy:"That's a nice bathing suit." Girl:"Thank y..." Camera:"CAMEL TOE!!!" Guy:"Is that your friend? Rub lotion on her!!!"

My Japanese is horrendous but I believe the name of the show was, roughly translated, THE BEST SHOW OF ALL TIME!

Also, as I was typing this, Carla showed me her tits. It made my day. I think I'm finally getting somewhere with this chick.

You Can Never Finish If You Don't Start

So these three films, Danny the Dog, War of the Worlds, and Batman Begins, they're all a bit mean. Sure, they each have their happy endings but there is some real dark stuff to get through first.

In the case of Batman Begins, there was some real life stuff we had to endure before we could enjoy the movie. I'm not going to get all Knowles-ian on you and tell you about my BMs and how that may have influenced my state of mind, I'm just going to tell you how movie going in this country can kind of suck.

Even though there were posters for Batman Begins all over the subways and such, we had a hard time finding a theatre playing the film. Odd that. So we sit down near the front, we got there a bit late y'see, only to find that our legs don't so much fit. Not cool. Luckily, there's a balcony (how long has it been since I've been in a movie theatre with a balcony?), so we grabbed some seats up there. Our legs fit and everything. Then the trailers started. Another way you could say that, and have people understand your meaning, is to say "The lights went down.", except they didn't. Not up there in the balcony. So that wasn't so nice, but I can understand why they did it (or didn't do it, whatever). We were so busy wondering when they were going to turn down the lights we didn't notice how callipygian the sound was. Ever do that thing with the 2 soup cans and a piece of string? Me neither, but I imagine the effect is very similar to watching Batman Begins in the balcony of that theatre. The other reason why they left the lights up was so that the mother with the screaming child could see where she was going. Not baby. Child. Fucking screaming five year old piece of shit child.

Batman Begins, War of the Worlds and Danny the Dog ain't child appropriate. Says the guy who was raised on raunchy comedies and vampire films. You can show kids whatever the fuck in the privacy of your own home, but don't sully the shared privacy of the movie theatre with your kids' stupidity.

But the kid gave us the kick in the ass we needed to move to somewhere better. There were seats along the ramp leading from the balcony back down to the floor. We sat there. Much better. The movie had been playing for about five minutes by this point. Bruce had just gotten out of prison and was looking for Ras. I don't know why, what Liam Neeson said to convince Bruce to join him. Couldn't hear a damn thing.

That's how my Batman Begins experience began. I still ended up really digging the flick. That's impressive. It overcame poor lighting, shit sound and a screaming little fucker.

This is easily the best Batman film I've seen. Better even than that one with the Anti-Shark repellent.

Why?

Well, as my shark-repellent joke nicely illustrates, Begins is the first film to really take Batman seriously. I know Burton's Batman was dark and serious and noir and all that. But it wasn't really about Batman, nor Bruce. It was more about Burton and the Joker. I still really like that movie, I'm not slagging it. I like that 'Batman' was not an origin movie. Just like I love how Batman Begins is.

I love that there is not Batman in Batman Begins until halfway through the film. I love seeing the evolution of his suit, the expanding of the arsenal. I love Lucius Fox. Maybe I should just make a list of things I really liked about the film... nah. It all ties into this one thing: they played to Batman's strengths. Raimi also does this quite well, he knows that Peter Parker is the lovable loser and you need to show him lose to make the Spiderman stuff seem even more exhilarating. Batman is fucked up. You need to get in there, in Bruce's head. And this film did. Batman is noir-y. Begins out noirs Burton. I love the way Batman fights in this film. For the most part. Because he doesn't fight. He freaks his prey out until they make a mistake then he takes them down. I never got sick of seeing badguys just getting yanked screaming up into the air. I wish I could tell what was going on in the actual 'fight' scenes though. Not near as bad as that Bourne movie, thank goodness!

I also really liked the Batmobile. I didn't like how Batman didn't seem to fussed about causing all kinds of accidents and collisions. He's not a killer. Some of those cops cars got pretty fucking crunched.

But those are pretty minor quibbles. My main gripe with the film is how 'neat' it is. I don't like how everything inter-relates. (Oh yeah: *SPOILERS*) Some comic book geeks didn't like the Joe Chill stuff. "Joe Chill should never be caught! That's what drives Batman! He feels guilt over never catching his parent's killer." I think we can all agree that that is bullshit. Batman does what he does so that what happened to him won't happen to someone else. I like that Bruce Wayne was going to kill Joe Chill. I like that. I don't like that Bruce's parents death wasn't random, that there was a conspiracy. That struck me as being overthought, overwritten. I also could have done without some of the one liners, mainly during the Batmobile chase scene.

And I could have done with a lot more Katie Holmes nipple. That was good stuff.

The villains were good. Everyone was good. (Well... Katie Holmes didn't really have much to do, but: NIPPLES!!!) I especially liked Gary Oldman. One of the guys I saw the film with is a big Oldman fan, after the film he asked who Oldman played. That's how good Oldman was.

The last thing I should mention, I guess, is the effects. I liked 'em. The fear drug stuff looked like it was torn right out of Arkham Asylum.

Well then... I took longer than I meant to and only ended up talking about one of the films. At least it's a start.



PICTURE TIME!!!

All Apologies

I want to write a review of Danny the Dog, because it is quite a good film and I want to talk about it. But then, to be fair, I should also talk about War of the Worlds and Batman Begins, because I also like those films and I also like talking about films. But I am also a very tired puppy. This freaking humidity really saps a man's will to live.

I will try to talk about these films soon. Maybe somehow I will manage to tie them all together. Sometimes I can do that. Usually only when I don't mean to.

As an apology, here is a picture.



The Japanese women? They don't believe in the one piece, yet another reason why Japan is one of the smartest countries in the world.

Rainy Season

I kinda like this here rainy season. Other than the fact that it should have been last month.

See now, I thought it would be nothing but rain. Rain rain rain all the time. That ain't the case, least not so far. Nope the day can start out sunny, hot, and beautiful then it'll cloud over and start raining in the blink of an eye. It all happens so fast that the girls wearing their tight white Tshirts who didn't bother to bring an umbrella have to run all over the place, trying to minimize their wetness.

I really like this country.

I'm a Dollar

The internet is a wonderful thing. Just the other day, without really meaning to, I found the unaired pilot for Buffy. It was only a half hour show, and Willow was played by a different actress. It was interesting. And I don't mean that to be as dismissive as it comes across. It was still a good show, just not as good as it could have been (or as good as it was? Cuz the pilot that actually aired, the hourlong one with the cute Willow, was pretty good).

I bring this up as a roundabout way to talk about Revenge of the Sith. Cuz it was good, but could have been a lot better if they went back and fixed it up a little bit. I gotta say, I was a little let down by this one. People all over have been saying that this is the one that makes the prequels all worth it. Maybe I should stop listening to those people. To be fair, I was drunk and it was 3 in the morning when I saw it. I'll have to give it another chance, but here are my thoughts on the movie as of right now:

The opening scroll was nice. Not deadly dull like the one from Episode 1.

The opening shot was/is probably the best thing George Lucas has ever done. It's a long tracking shot that starts of with an homage to A new Hope at the beginning. A massive ship soars past the camera, then two fighters zip by. The camera follows these 2 ships as they fly along the exterior of the ship, once they pass it they bank hard and the camera follows to reveal: a massive space battle. The camera sticks with the fighters as they plunge headlong into the battle. After a bit of excitement the camera pushes in even further until it's inside one of the fighters. That's just a great shot. And a great way to start the movie.

The whole opening action piece is fantastic: after blowing some shit up in space, Anakin and Obiwan crash inside a cruiser and fuck some more shit up Jedi style. Just great. And R2 gets in on the action too. Carla didn't like the R2 part though, she said it seemed a bit out of character for him. I can see where she is coming from.

The Anakin, Obiwan, Dooku rematch wasn't as long as I would have expected. Still good, just short. And I love the look on Christopher Lee's face before he gets taken out. Plus I like how the staging of it mirrors the Vader/Luke fight from Return of the Jedi.

After that opening, though, things really turn to shit. After their victory, the two Jedi go back home. Once home, Anakin gets to make mushy talk with Padme. Yipee? Dear fuck!! Everyone knows that the 'romance' was the worst part of Clone Wars. Even Lucas himself has said that he ain't too shit hot when it comes to the dialogue. Here's an idea Georgie boy: don't write any more dialogue than you have to.

Fuck! In interviews, Lucas likes to brag about how he is so proud that his films can work with the sound turned down. He's a visual storyteller, so says he. Well then tell the fucking story visually. One longing look of love, just ONE, would have been immeasurably better than all that "I love you!" "Nu-uh, I love you!" "I love you mostest!" bullshit I had to sit through.

Fuck! Just look at your own God Damn Films George!! Look at Empire Strikes Back. "I love you." "I know." That's all it took.

While I was glad to see the Wookiees, they seemed to be there as fan service. 'Let's throw in some Wookiees, everybody loves Wookiees.' I do love Wookiees, but I dunno.. I have two main problems with the Wookiees, the first being that it makes them seem more like Ewoks. Third film fuzzy creatures that need help fighting off the evil oppressors. The second is Chewbacca. Fuck off! Chewbacca did not need to be in this movie! The only reason he's in this movie is so that Yoda can thank him. That bothered me.

Palpatine is pretty cool. I really like how subtle he is. Then he goes a little too over the top for me. Seriously, one minute he's nudging Anakin to go in a direction he might not want to go, the next he's yelling, "ABSOLUTE POWER!!!" Also, while I like his fight with Mace, he takes out those other Jedi too fast. These guys are the best of the best, and he takes out 3 of them in about as many seconds. I know it's supposed to show how much of a threat Sidious is, but instead it makes the other guys look like chumps.

The Jedi slaughter part of the film was pretty good other than that. Wait, just as I thought Sidious went over the top right after the Mace fight, I also didn't quite buy Anakin's sudden change of heart. I know it wasn't "sudden", but still, I wanted more conflict. Maybe those two snarks are related. If Palpatine didn't start cackling like a god damn madman, maybe I could accept Anakin blindly following him a little better.

Plus, Sidious totally has an ass on his forehead. That just looks stupid.

Now, there have been a lot of complaints about the acting in these prequels, especially concerning Hayden and Natalie. But I think they both do some really good work in this film. In fact one of my favourite bits in this film is watching Padme watch the Senate get behind the Emperor. "So this is how democracy ends... to thunderous applause." That's a great fucking line. And the heartbroken look on her face is... heartbreaking.

I also dug the little homage to A New Hope when all the little robots scattered at Anakin's approach.

The final showdowns weren't as epic as I was expected. This is why I want to see the movie again in a less sleepy state. There was nothing wrong with the fights at all, they just weren't as 'right' as I wanted. I guess.

I didn't like seeing Yoda turn tail and run. I wanted to see him try again. But then Ben pointed out, "Do or do not, there is no try." So Yoda wanted to do, it turned out he did not, so there would be no point in trying again. I can get behind that.

I can't get behind a lot of Yoda's dialogue in this film. They sound like cliche action movie lines as recited by a dyslexic. Kinda lame.

The end of the Anakin/Obiwan duel? That was pretty cool. Pretty graphic too. And the look in Anakin's eyes made it seem like his rage set him on fire. I liked that.

Carla liked the irony of the ending. Anakin turned to the dark side to save Padme, but his dark side led to her death. That was nice.

Not so nice? Her actual death. "She's given up the will to live."? Fuck you!

I liked how the birth of the twins was intercut with the 'birth' of Vader.

I liked the shot of the mask coming down, the quick look of fear and regret in Anakin's eyes. Nice touch. The profile of that helmet 'shoonk'ing into place? Should have been in the trailer. Fucking iconic.

I wasn't a huge fan of Vader's first few 'Frankenstein' steps, but I appreciate the homage. I really like his force freak out, crushing everything around him. If they had left it at that, that would have been great. But no (or should I say NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!), Lucas fucked up Vader's first scene in the worst fucking way possible. There is no way, no way at all, that that scene, that 'beat' could work. Clenching your fists and screaming NO! as the camera pulls out? That cannot work in a drama. Everyone knows that. How the fuck did that make it into the final cut?

The bit with Uncle Owen striking the same pose as Luke? Seems kinda forced to me.

And let's get back to the bit about George the visual story teller. Why not fucking show us Qui Gon? How fucking hard would that have been? I can understand though, audiences would see Liam Neason and go, "Hey, remember how crap he was in Episode 1, and how good he was in Batman Begins? George Lucas sure does suck huh?" Man, that cheesed me off. "Hey Obiwan, Qui Gon is totally talking to me from beyond the grave. Practice for 20 years and maybe you can do the same." What a cheap, lazy way to handle that.

That was one of the big mysteries I wanted solved in this movie. I was all like, "How come Obiwan and Yoda disappeared and no one else did?" I'd rather it stayed a mystery than how they shat out the answer at the end of Sith.

Man, that's a lot of negativity, isn't it? I still want to see the film again though. Even if I like it better the second time, I'll still find this funny.