Wherein the Pervert Comes to the Fore

You would have to be a mongoloid moron who's on fire to not pick up on Halloween in Japan. Seriously, the girls just come up to you and tell you how cute and/or cool you are and touch you all over. Plus, the train was so crowded I'm pretty sure I molested at least three different girls. I wish I could have seen what they looked like.

Today, as I was out and about, I passed by a little fashion boutique down a small side street. There was a very cute girl in a very short dress tending the shop. We made eye contact, we both smiled and then she turned away from me. I thought I had repulsed her. Then she bent over, at the waist, and started adjusting her frilly stockings. Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

When I recovered, I crossed the street to look at the cute little puppies in a pet store. There was another cute girl in there who was squatting down and playing with some small, ratlike dog. I could see nearly the entirety (is that even a word?) of her thong. It was leopard skin. Today was a good day.

Dear Christ Why!?!

They are making a sequel to Underworld.

Words fail me.

Cool

I was just now watching the Discovery channel. There is a program on about the Universe and stuff. Stuff like black holes. Whilst explaining black holes, they showed footage from the end of Evil Dead 2. That is just plain cool.

Japan Fashion

Yesterday I saw a very attractive lady walking down the street. She had on a very tight shirt. On this shirt were these words: "I Large Breasts". Under these words was a black and white picture of large breasts. On this picture of the large breasts, right where the nipples would be, were bright pink stars. Exactly under this black and white (and pink!) picture of breasts were real breasts. Lovely large yet perky breasts, unrestrained by any bra. It was quite a sight.

Fanboyism

I don't know if all y'all have heard about this or not. Please click on that there link. Now chew on that for a bit. Unsure of what to think. Here's some more to chew on. Before Nintendo, the accepted form of controller was an uncomfortable stick with a button on the top. Or some unholy mishmash of keypads and click-y sticks. Nintendo invented the directional pad. That was way back in the NES days. The SNES introduced the world to shoulder buttons. The N64 was the first console to have analogue sticks. And four controller ports. With the Gamecube, Nintendo was the first First Party to release wireless controllers.

Let's look at the Microsoft 360 and the PS3 controllers. Dpads? Check. Analogue? Check. Shoulder buttons? Check.

Nintendo knows what the fuck it is doing. Don't be afraid.

Christ man, get excited! Think of the fucking possibilities! A racing game that requires no pushing of buttons at all! Imagine the sniping interface in an FPS! I'm giddy!

And Another Thing...

I meant to study Japanese tonight, I truly did. But the internet was especially fruitful this eve. This scratches me in almost all of my itchy places. The music is superb, the idea is wonderful and the execution of it is pretty damn good. Plus it has some nice ideas in it. Parts are a little forced or 'joke-y', but no in any way big enough to detract from what it is trying to achieve. I love this stuff, using games in ways not intended. I love that a game about shooting as many things as many times as possible can be used as a platform for intelligent discussion. Awesome. Teh Awesome, even.

While I'm Here...

I meant to post this a while ago. It is a perfect distillation of the modern gaming environment, hot chicks and rag doll physics. It is nigh perfect in its focus. Seriously. I really like how every factor in this game is "weighted" to keep the action going, to keep the good times rolling. And if she ever gets stuck, just give her a tug and off she goes again.

But as with almost anything pure and beautiful, politics had to get involved. This is the exact same thing, only with Bush instead of bush. I can't say that I like the substitution. I'm not even sure I know what this political statement is stating. Bush is tumbling like the economy, like his approval rating, like foreign relations, like all of the above? But then, I've never been much in to politics.

Why Was I Not Informed?

There's a new Serenity trailer out there. And it is good. So here is a link to the new serenity trailer. And here is a link to the international trailer. I recommend watching both. Many times. I am giddy. Giddy I tell you!!

Also, I finally got an S rank in Double Dragon Advance. 102 was my tally. Yay me.

TeReBi

Last night I was riveted to a program on the television. The gist of the show was this: a guy with a handheld video camera and his camera crew prowled a beach in Japan looking for girls to interview. As the camera crew filmed the guy and the girls making small talk, the dude's camera was always aimed at the girls' goodies.

I'm serious. This is how the show went. Guy:"So tell me about your tan." Girl:"Well..." Camera:"BOOBIES!!!" GIrl:"... desu ne." Guy:"That's a nice bathing suit." Girl:"Thank y..." Camera:"CAMEL TOE!!!" Guy:"Is that your friend? Rub lotion on her!!!"

My Japanese is horrendous but I believe the name of the show was, roughly translated, THE BEST SHOW OF ALL TIME!

Also, as I was typing this, Carla showed me her tits. It made my day. I think I'm finally getting somewhere with this chick.

You Can Never Finish If You Don't Start

So these three films, Danny the Dog, War of the Worlds, and Batman Begins, they're all a bit mean. Sure, they each have their happy endings but there is some real dark stuff to get through first.

In the case of Batman Begins, there was some real life stuff we had to endure before we could enjoy the movie. I'm not going to get all Knowles-ian on you and tell you about my BMs and how that may have influenced my state of mind, I'm just going to tell you how movie going in this country can kind of suck.

Even though there were posters for Batman Begins all over the subways and such, we had a hard time finding a theatre playing the film. Odd that. So we sit down near the front, we got there a bit late y'see, only to find that our legs don't so much fit. Not cool. Luckily, there's a balcony (how long has it been since I've been in a movie theatre with a balcony?), so we grabbed some seats up there. Our legs fit and everything. Then the trailers started. Another way you could say that, and have people understand your meaning, is to say "The lights went down.", except they didn't. Not up there in the balcony. So that wasn't so nice, but I can understand why they did it (or didn't do it, whatever). We were so busy wondering when they were going to turn down the lights we didn't notice how callipygian the sound was. Ever do that thing with the 2 soup cans and a piece of string? Me neither, but I imagine the effect is very similar to watching Batman Begins in the balcony of that theatre. The other reason why they left the lights up was so that the mother with the screaming child could see where she was going. Not baby. Child. Fucking screaming five year old piece of shit child.

Batman Begins, War of the Worlds and Danny the Dog ain't child appropriate. Says the guy who was raised on raunchy comedies and vampire films. You can show kids whatever the fuck in the privacy of your own home, but don't sully the shared privacy of the movie theatre with your kids' stupidity.

But the kid gave us the kick in the ass we needed to move to somewhere better. There were seats along the ramp leading from the balcony back down to the floor. We sat there. Much better. The movie had been playing for about five minutes by this point. Bruce had just gotten out of prison and was looking for Ras. I don't know why, what Liam Neeson said to convince Bruce to join him. Couldn't hear a damn thing.

That's how my Batman Begins experience began. I still ended up really digging the flick. That's impressive. It overcame poor lighting, shit sound and a screaming little fucker.

This is easily the best Batman film I've seen. Better even than that one with the Anti-Shark repellent.

Why?

Well, as my shark-repellent joke nicely illustrates, Begins is the first film to really take Batman seriously. I know Burton's Batman was dark and serious and noir and all that. But it wasn't really about Batman, nor Bruce. It was more about Burton and the Joker. I still really like that movie, I'm not slagging it. I like that 'Batman' was not an origin movie. Just like I love how Batman Begins is.

I love that there is not Batman in Batman Begins until halfway through the film. I love seeing the evolution of his suit, the expanding of the arsenal. I love Lucius Fox. Maybe I should just make a list of things I really liked about the film... nah. It all ties into this one thing: they played to Batman's strengths. Raimi also does this quite well, he knows that Peter Parker is the lovable loser and you need to show him lose to make the Spiderman stuff seem even more exhilarating. Batman is fucked up. You need to get in there, in Bruce's head. And this film did. Batman is noir-y. Begins out noirs Burton. I love the way Batman fights in this film. For the most part. Because he doesn't fight. He freaks his prey out until they make a mistake then he takes them down. I never got sick of seeing badguys just getting yanked screaming up into the air. I wish I could tell what was going on in the actual 'fight' scenes though. Not near as bad as that Bourne movie, thank goodness!

I also really liked the Batmobile. I didn't like how Batman didn't seem to fussed about causing all kinds of accidents and collisions. He's not a killer. Some of those cops cars got pretty fucking crunched.

But those are pretty minor quibbles. My main gripe with the film is how 'neat' it is. I don't like how everything inter-relates. (Oh yeah: *SPOILERS*) Some comic book geeks didn't like the Joe Chill stuff. "Joe Chill should never be caught! That's what drives Batman! He feels guilt over never catching his parent's killer." I think we can all agree that that is bullshit. Batman does what he does so that what happened to him won't happen to someone else. I like that Bruce Wayne was going to kill Joe Chill. I like that. I don't like that Bruce's parents death wasn't random, that there was a conspiracy. That struck me as being overthought, overwritten. I also could have done without some of the one liners, mainly during the Batmobile chase scene.

And I could have done with a lot more Katie Holmes nipple. That was good stuff.

The villains were good. Everyone was good. (Well... Katie Holmes didn't really have much to do, but: NIPPLES!!!) I especially liked Gary Oldman. One of the guys I saw the film with is a big Oldman fan, after the film he asked who Oldman played. That's how good Oldman was.

The last thing I should mention, I guess, is the effects. I liked 'em. The fear drug stuff looked like it was torn right out of Arkham Asylum.

Well then... I took longer than I meant to and only ended up talking about one of the films. At least it's a start.



PICTURE TIME!!!

All Apologies

I want to write a review of Danny the Dog, because it is quite a good film and I want to talk about it. But then, to be fair, I should also talk about War of the Worlds and Batman Begins, because I also like those films and I also like talking about films. But I am also a very tired puppy. This freaking humidity really saps a man's will to live.

I will try to talk about these films soon. Maybe somehow I will manage to tie them all together. Sometimes I can do that. Usually only when I don't mean to.

As an apology, here is a picture.



The Japanese women? They don't believe in the one piece, yet another reason why Japan is one of the smartest countries in the world.

Rainy Season

I kinda like this here rainy season. Other than the fact that it should have been last month.

See now, I thought it would be nothing but rain. Rain rain rain all the time. That ain't the case, least not so far. Nope the day can start out sunny, hot, and beautiful then it'll cloud over and start raining in the blink of an eye. It all happens so fast that the girls wearing their tight white Tshirts who didn't bother to bring an umbrella have to run all over the place, trying to minimize their wetness.

I really like this country.

I'm a Dollar

The internet is a wonderful thing. Just the other day, without really meaning to, I found the unaired pilot for Buffy. It was only a half hour show, and Willow was played by a different actress. It was interesting. And I don't mean that to be as dismissive as it comes across. It was still a good show, just not as good as it could have been (or as good as it was? Cuz the pilot that actually aired, the hourlong one with the cute Willow, was pretty good).

I bring this up as a roundabout way to talk about Revenge of the Sith. Cuz it was good, but could have been a lot better if they went back and fixed it up a little bit. I gotta say, I was a little let down by this one. People all over have been saying that this is the one that makes the prequels all worth it. Maybe I should stop listening to those people. To be fair, I was drunk and it was 3 in the morning when I saw it. I'll have to give it another chance, but here are my thoughts on the movie as of right now:

The opening scroll was nice. Not deadly dull like the one from Episode 1.

The opening shot was/is probably the best thing George Lucas has ever done. It's a long tracking shot that starts of with an homage to A new Hope at the beginning. A massive ship soars past the camera, then two fighters zip by. The camera follows these 2 ships as they fly along the exterior of the ship, once they pass it they bank hard and the camera follows to reveal: a massive space battle. The camera sticks with the fighters as they plunge headlong into the battle. After a bit of excitement the camera pushes in even further until it's inside one of the fighters. That's just a great shot. And a great way to start the movie.

The whole opening action piece is fantastic: after blowing some shit up in space, Anakin and Obiwan crash inside a cruiser and fuck some more shit up Jedi style. Just great. And R2 gets in on the action too. Carla didn't like the R2 part though, she said it seemed a bit out of character for him. I can see where she is coming from.

The Anakin, Obiwan, Dooku rematch wasn't as long as I would have expected. Still good, just short. And I love the look on Christopher Lee's face before he gets taken out. Plus I like how the staging of it mirrors the Vader/Luke fight from Return of the Jedi.

After that opening, though, things really turn to shit. After their victory, the two Jedi go back home. Once home, Anakin gets to make mushy talk with Padme. Yipee? Dear fuck!! Everyone knows that the 'romance' was the worst part of Clone Wars. Even Lucas himself has said that he ain't too shit hot when it comes to the dialogue. Here's an idea Georgie boy: don't write any more dialogue than you have to.

Fuck! In interviews, Lucas likes to brag about how he is so proud that his films can work with the sound turned down. He's a visual storyteller, so says he. Well then tell the fucking story visually. One longing look of love, just ONE, would have been immeasurably better than all that "I love you!" "Nu-uh, I love you!" "I love you mostest!" bullshit I had to sit through.

Fuck! Just look at your own God Damn Films George!! Look at Empire Strikes Back. "I love you." "I know." That's all it took.

While I was glad to see the Wookiees, they seemed to be there as fan service. 'Let's throw in some Wookiees, everybody loves Wookiees.' I do love Wookiees, but I dunno.. I have two main problems with the Wookiees, the first being that it makes them seem more like Ewoks. Third film fuzzy creatures that need help fighting off the evil oppressors. The second is Chewbacca. Fuck off! Chewbacca did not need to be in this movie! The only reason he's in this movie is so that Yoda can thank him. That bothered me.

Palpatine is pretty cool. I really like how subtle he is. Then he goes a little too over the top for me. Seriously, one minute he's nudging Anakin to go in a direction he might not want to go, the next he's yelling, "ABSOLUTE POWER!!!" Also, while I like his fight with Mace, he takes out those other Jedi too fast. These guys are the best of the best, and he takes out 3 of them in about as many seconds. I know it's supposed to show how much of a threat Sidious is, but instead it makes the other guys look like chumps.

The Jedi slaughter part of the film was pretty good other than that. Wait, just as I thought Sidious went over the top right after the Mace fight, I also didn't quite buy Anakin's sudden change of heart. I know it wasn't "sudden", but still, I wanted more conflict. Maybe those two snarks are related. If Palpatine didn't start cackling like a god damn madman, maybe I could accept Anakin blindly following him a little better.

Plus, Sidious totally has an ass on his forehead. That just looks stupid.

Now, there have been a lot of complaints about the acting in these prequels, especially concerning Hayden and Natalie. But I think they both do some really good work in this film. In fact one of my favourite bits in this film is watching Padme watch the Senate get behind the Emperor. "So this is how democracy ends... to thunderous applause." That's a great fucking line. And the heartbroken look on her face is... heartbreaking.

I also dug the little homage to A New Hope when all the little robots scattered at Anakin's approach.

The final showdowns weren't as epic as I was expected. This is why I want to see the movie again in a less sleepy state. There was nothing wrong with the fights at all, they just weren't as 'right' as I wanted. I guess.

I didn't like seeing Yoda turn tail and run. I wanted to see him try again. But then Ben pointed out, "Do or do not, there is no try." So Yoda wanted to do, it turned out he did not, so there would be no point in trying again. I can get behind that.

I can't get behind a lot of Yoda's dialogue in this film. They sound like cliche action movie lines as recited by a dyslexic. Kinda lame.

The end of the Anakin/Obiwan duel? That was pretty cool. Pretty graphic too. And the look in Anakin's eyes made it seem like his rage set him on fire. I liked that.

Carla liked the irony of the ending. Anakin turned to the dark side to save Padme, but his dark side led to her death. That was nice.

Not so nice? Her actual death. "She's given up the will to live."? Fuck you!

I liked how the birth of the twins was intercut with the 'birth' of Vader.

I liked the shot of the mask coming down, the quick look of fear and regret in Anakin's eyes. Nice touch. The profile of that helmet 'shoonk'ing into place? Should have been in the trailer. Fucking iconic.

I wasn't a huge fan of Vader's first few 'Frankenstein' steps, but I appreciate the homage. I really like his force freak out, crushing everything around him. If they had left it at that, that would have been great. But no (or should I say NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!), Lucas fucked up Vader's first scene in the worst fucking way possible. There is no way, no way at all, that that scene, that 'beat' could work. Clenching your fists and screaming NO! as the camera pulls out? That cannot work in a drama. Everyone knows that. How the fuck did that make it into the final cut?

The bit with Uncle Owen striking the same pose as Luke? Seems kinda forced to me.

And let's get back to the bit about George the visual story teller. Why not fucking show us Qui Gon? How fucking hard would that have been? I can understand though, audiences would see Liam Neason and go, "Hey, remember how crap he was in Episode 1, and how good he was in Batman Begins? George Lucas sure does suck huh?" Man, that cheesed me off. "Hey Obiwan, Qui Gon is totally talking to me from beyond the grave. Practice for 20 years and maybe you can do the same." What a cheap, lazy way to handle that.

That was one of the big mysteries I wanted solved in this movie. I was all like, "How come Obiwan and Yoda disappeared and no one else did?" I'd rather it stayed a mystery than how they shat out the answer at the end of Sith.

Man, that's a lot of negativity, isn't it? I still want to see the film again though. Even if I like it better the second time, I'll still find this funny.

Scary

Saw the ugliest baby ever on Saturday. Swear to god. It was either a baby or a horribly disfigured midget. I cannot accurately describe it, which is wholly to your benefit. From the quick, painful glance I got, I imagine that the wretched little thing could never, ever hope to close it's mouth. Not even Mick Jagger's lips could cover those craggy, creepy bicuspids. Her insane eyes also seemed incapable of ever shutting. Those two features kind of made any other visual information gathering nigh-impossible, but I got the impression that the skin was blotchy, pallid and not at all comfortable at ease on the bones underneath it.

This is what I said to Carla: "I just saw the ugliest baby ever. I just about yelped." Carla had to have a look for herself. I watched her approach, saw her try to steal a glance and winced as she nearly gave herself whiplash.

She says I didn't adequately prepare her. That may well be true. In my defense, I was rendered nearly mute. My brain was in a state of shock, my powers of description were even more retarded than is the norm. It was a bad scene.

*shudder*

Abstemious

"I look back over what I've written and I know it's wrong, not because of what I've set down, but because of what I've omitted. What isn't there has a presence, like the absence of light.

You want the truth, of course. You want me to put two and two together. But two and two doesn't necessarily get you the truth. Two and two equals a voice outside the window. Two and two equals the wind. The living bird is not its labeled bones."

I finished The Blind Assassin. I never remember if I'm supposed to bold or italicize book titles. If only there was some way to check such a thing. But I have no time for that. I'm blogging. I quite enjoyed the book. There were a lot of good words in it, put together flawlessly. Not that it is my favourite book, but easily the best book I've read in this country. I've read a fair bit. Still can't read non-fiction without falling asleep.

She compared a dude's face to a testicle. I wish I would have dog-eared that page so I could quote it.

Motherfuckers Gettin' HURT!!

I trust we've all seen Ong Bak. I know there weren't no story, but it looked pretty good and God Damn in Tony Jaa ain't amazin'!! Well, it looks like that flick was just a warm up. Tom-Yum Goong is his latest film and I think he won't be making another one for quite some time because he appears to cripple every stunt man he gets close to. I mean: JEEZUSS!! This shit looks painful! I warn you now, the site is beyond slow, so start downloading the trailer, go out and rent Ong Bak, watch it, return it and then watch the trailer. Unless you try for the large size trailer, I doubt you''ll get the whole thing before the actual movie comes out.

God damn, he kicks a dude right in the fucking head! I know, you've seen it a thousand times before. I know. But you've never seen it like this.

Holy fuck.

Grr

It annoys me how much I don't get done in a day. I haven't sat down and studied any Japanese in forever. I haven't written anything of any import in about as long. What did I spend my night on tonight? Reading forums. That is not a good use of time. Man, I suck.

FHjo

Yeah, not really so much to say. Work is still work, and there ain't much else going on right now. But, I really don't want to not write just because I have nothing to say. I must write damnit. Yep. I must write, but you are by no means required to read all this scribbled drivel.

I have at least three gray hairs on my head. I don't like that. Back in Australia, I had a white hair in my goatee. Now that was cool. These grey fuckers, not so much. I totally meant to use two different spellings of grey. I'll leave it up to you to figure out why.

Curses

So I said that I would both blog and study more. The studying part hasn't so much happened yet. Dang. But I do feel compelled to post at least something every day to this world wide web of nets. Even if I have nothing to say. I guess I could just make shit up. Like this:

If you are passing by some bushes and the bushes say "Oi!", do not stop and talk to whomever is in the bushes. Bad things will happen.

I Just Totally Blogged

Sure, I surfed the internet a little bit, but I didn't do it for as long as I could have (and usually do). I haven't even played with Kimber yet, and it's best to try to train her while Carla ain't around. She doesn't like listening to me repeat the same commands over and over and over again. Dude, I totally picked blogging over the internet and videogames.

Yay me!

Munificence

munificence

n : liberality in bestowing gifts; extremely liberal and generous of spirit [syn: largess, largesse, magnanimity, openhandedness]

I just now learned this word. I'm quite busy not learning Japanese words, but I looked up this here 'munificence' on dictionary.com. Why? Because of Margaret Atwood. I likes me my Margaret Atwood. This is a new discovery for me. I mean, I'm sure I've liked her for years now, it's just that I haven't picked up any of her books until about a month ago. That book was Wilderness Tips, a collection of short stories. Short stories about women mainly. Depressing mainly. The happiest story ended with a slightly older than middle age woman crying in her bathroom during the Christmas holidays. Yet I loved every sentence of it. Maybe not every sentence. But there were perfect sentences in there. Sentences that made me stop reading, just so I could grin and drink them in again. Sentences that a trillion monkeys on a whole lot of really nice typewriters would have a hard time topping.

I don't own Wilderness Tips, so I can't quote any of those sentences, but I am right now reading 'The Blind Assassin' and loving it even more. I''m less than 50 pages in, but man am I digging it. Somehow has made put me right inside the head of an elderly woman. Which is not somewhere I ever thought I would be.

(on the subject of her thinning hair)
"Beneath it there are glimpses of scalp, the greyish pink of mice feet.
If I ever get caught in a high wind my hair will blow off like dandelion
fluff, leaving only a tiny pockmarked nubbin of bald head."

That's just good stuff.

Makes me feel even more crap about my own writing, but whatever. I am so disenchanted with my own abilities at the moment, that I couldn't even muster any energy to even attempt to imply that Atwood is, like, totally munificent for sharing her words with the world.

Even More Boobs

Damn!! Forgot another great thing about Japan and boobs. In any large store of any kind you will find the massage chair section. This section will always be full. More often than not, a few of the occupants will be comely lasses. Which is great. Let me tell you why. The massage chairs here are fairly forceful. They push the recipient around a bit. So when a cute girl's back is being kneaded, it affects her front as well. God, I am such a perv. Plus, the girls have such blissful on their cute faces. Which, if all Japanese pornography is to be believed, is not something that happens in close proximity to bouncing breasts all that often. It is really hard not to stare.

Also, my spell checker just won't listen when I tell it to learn 'boobs'.

More Boobs

Back when I waxed slightly waxxy about bosoms, I totally forgot to mention how totally awesome girls on bikes are. Bikes are like perpetual motion machines. That is all.

Plans That Will Not Be Fruity

Seeing as I now commute about an hour and a half less every day than I used to, I figured I should try to spend this new surplus of time in a productive manner. The plan, as it now stands is to spend about 45 minutes a day writing and the other 45 studying the Nihongo. I always make plans like this and rarely do I ever see them through to fruition. Even if I do write more, it will probably just be about boobs.

Drool

I love it when women run. It's like Beyonce dancing in slow motion but in real life. I was going to say in real time but when boobs are involved, time seems less real. When those boobs start to move and sway, time becomes sticky. It doesn't flow as swiftly as it should. To me, boobs are hypnotic. I was going to be lame and try to rhyme by writing, 'They make me wax rhapsodic.' But can it really be deemed rhapsodic if I keep using the word boobs?

Late. Never. Better.

I think I finally figured out why I've been so moody lately. It's not because I've been sick for months. And it's not that this constant sickness is a constant source of anxiety for me at my job, cuz why would they want to keep a sicky like me around when there are other, more healthy Caucasians to be found. And it's not cuz Carla and I didn't get the apartment we wanted. Fuck, was that a nice apartment. TV in the bathroom.

It's none of these things. I've been moody because I've been derelict. Derelict in my duties as a browncoat. The trailer for Serenity is up. Has been up for near a week now. I meant to throw up a link here as soon as it went live. I didn't. I aim to rectify that.

Serenity is, of course, the Firefly movie. Firefly was, of course, one of the reasons why television was invented. Joss Whedon's ability to weave action, humour, plot, characters, suspense, cheese, Chinese swearing, philosophy, and everything else together has always awed and humbled me. His film track record ain't so sterling but Serenity looks to change all that.

If I could, I would stand in line for tickets to this move. Hell, I'm giving thought to flying somewhere so I can see it early. Early for me, I mean. No idea when it's coming out here.

I threw in the Firefly DVD so I could accurately quote some of the dialogue, and I ended up watching much more than I needed to. Objects in Space is one of my favourite hours of anything ever. But it's just barely my favourite episode.

Sorry

<a hreh="http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php">Link</a> that's what I typed in my post last night. As we all know, it should be <a href=... Sorry about that. And in the short time it took for someone to notice my error, write in a snarky comment (thank you Anonymous) and for me to fix the problem, the site seems to have broken. Damn. The link in the previous post works now. You can check if you want. I hope it gets unbroke soon. But, for now, I will just post some of my favourite random facts about Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel once used Gary Coleman as a hand puppet. Coleman said the experience changed his life and led him to give up smoking.

Vin Diesel once had cancer, but he coughed out the tumor and then used it to butter his bread.

Vin Diesel is a strict vegan vegetarian in all respects except that he will eat shrimp. When challenged on this, he insists the shrimp are "the lettuce of the sea".

Vin Diesel can read braille with his scrotum.

Vin Diesel once circumnavigated the globe in the hulled carcass of George Burns.

Vin Diesel once got so angry at a man that he punched him hard enough to cause his ancestors to feel it. This is how Napoleon lost the Battle of Waterloo.

Only about a thousandth of Vin Diesel's mass is expressed in the three dimensions we can perceive.

His intestines can hold 13% more bacon than mere mortals.

Vin Diesel once used a 3 year old child as a baseball bat during softball practice. That child was Bjork.

Vin Diesel was once asked if he believed in the idea of reincarnation. His response was simply "I used to be a plate of pancakes."

Not only can Vin Diesel comprehend infinity, he can express it in terms of pi.

He starts his day by arguing with a bowl of green apples.

Vin once went sledding in New Hampshire and broke the sound barrier by turning his head around and blowing forcefully. As a result of the shock waves, several children died. Vin ascended to heaven and repeatedly punched God in the eye until he brought them all back to life. Every single one of those children are now scientists.

Vin Diesel can cut 2" thick steel piping using only his rectum and Beatrice Arthur.

Vin Diesel is the only man to run around the Earth at the equator and kill a wolverine in the same day.

If you whisper Vin Diesel's name to a newborn penguin, he will attempt to suckle your teat.

matt damon

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around...Vin still hears it.

Vin Diesel wrote the book of Mormon because he wanted to beat up the people who thought it was real.

Vin Diesel once sneezed so hard a nearby building exploded. Upon seeing the explosion, Vin Diesel flew around the world counterclockwise fast enough to reverse time. After he had reversed time for 10 minutes, He went back to the building and went inside. He then punched Stalin in the face. Thus, Communism fell.

Bruce Campbell is the only being in our dimension capable of killing Vin Diesel, but the vacuum left by his absence would collapse the universe. To this day, the actors refuse to be wthin a thousand miles of eachother's presence.

Vin Diesel sometimes accuses acorns of being lazy.

Vin Diesel once faked his own death after a sheperd boy hit him in the head with a rock from a sling.

Vin Diesel has a black belt in pudding, which is not a martial art. He's just that good at it.

Vin Diesel can drink a packet of Swiss Miss chocolate mix and urinate a steaming cup of hot cocoa. Interestingly enough, this only works with the Swiss Miss brand, and is now one of their main selling points.

Vin Diesel is the only person to ever beat Battletoads without dying.

Every time Vin Diesel kills god, a kitten masturbates.

When Vin Diesel is sad, magical puppies appear to cheer him up.

Vin Diesel enjoys clapping babies together like erasers. He calls it blapping. *I think this one is my favourite*

Vin Diesel defied MC Hammer and touched it.

Vin Diesel doesn't actually have bones or internal organs. Underneath his skin is another slightly smaller Vin Diesel and underneath that is yet another even smaller Vin Diesel. After the third layer his body is filled with rich, creamy nougat.

Vin created belt buckles to prevent his waist from shooting lasers.

For Halloween, Vin Diesel cuts down a tree, scoops out the inside, fills it with candy, and then stabs anyone who rings his doorbell. He then eats the candy-filled tree.

"Vin Diesel" can be rearranged into "I Send Evil." And he does so, in the form of flying monkeys.

Vin Diesel once killed a man in Reno just to watch him die. He then
summoned Jesus to bring the man back to life, at which point Vin killed
them both.


Well, this is one of my longer posts. I went on a bit longer than I meant to. Sorry about that.

...and now a random fact about Vin Diesel:

I'm lazy: Link

Old Timey Music

This is where I type some regular text to better differentiate between the title above and the link below. I should have done this for my House of Cosbys post. It's a House of Cosbys. But, no, it's not. Not this time. This time it is:

Kinda lamely cool

Fucking Ducks

I like ducks. They are one of the few species of birds that don't have scary eyes. Have you seen the eyes of a chicken? Then you have seen the eyes of madness. But ducks are okay in my books. But I can't say the sight of them having intercourse is all that pleasant.


Well now, these are a couple of fine looking ducks.


This may look like a picture of just one duck, but I assure you it is not. The male, when he starts his 'bidness' (that's the scientifically correct term), forces the female to stay submerged.


Every once in a while, the female will poke her head above the water and the male pecks at it. That ain't cool.

Unless you're in to that kind of thing.

The House of Cosby!!

Here's a good link, y'see.

This one here is like a jello pudding pop.

With the hipping and the hopping.

Bill Cosby is funny. More Cosbys=more funny.

I Banged The Fuck Out of My Arm

Anyone who has visited us at the five star Orange House knows that there is only one stall in the whole building that has a western style toilet. That stall had been locked all weekend. Thinking that something was up, I hoisted myself up the wall of the adjacent stall and took a peek. The locked western stall was empty. Someone's idea of a joke I guess. I took it upon myself to sort this stupid situation out. I clambered over the top and was gingerly lowering myself down. I managed to stop my rapid descent by banging the fuck out of my arm. It does not feel good.


Also, I'm losing my voice. Maybe I shouldn't be cutting my orange juice with Tequila.

God Damn You George Lucas!!!

God damn you all to hell. My bitterness and pessimism had finally won out. I was resigned to the fact that Episode 3 wasn't going to be all that great. I was still going to see it opening day, download it off the internet and buy it on DVD, but I wasn't going to like it. Then the new trailer dropped. Fuck. That is a nice god damn trailer. I had been wondering how they were going to turn Anakin to the dark side without it feeling cheap and forced. They convinced me in the span of... however long that trailer was. And there's no sign of lameness in the trailer. No Gungans, no romance. All that shit is in the past. What's left is the good shit. A whole lot of Jedi are going to get their shit fucked up. Nothing but ass kicking and despair. I can't wait.

God damn you George Lucas, I cannot fucking wait.

Jokes

Why did God give women legs?
Have you seen the trail a snail leaves?

A woman is in the delivery room... I'm too lazy to type out the whole thing... "Don't worry, it was dead anyways."

Ba Dum Ching.

And I'm glad that not everyone I know knows about this site because I don't want them all to get pissed off at me when I say this: Japanese moms are hot. It's not like North America where it's like they take a year to get back into pre-birth shape. If anything, Japanese women are even hotter after they have a kid. They're still skinny and cute and dress amazingly, but they also have sensible hair. I love my job.

I Really Dislike Paris Hilton

I would say that I want her to die, but then there would be a period of mourning liable to rival that of a President and that might make me snap. She needs to disappear. She needs to stop manufacturing events in her life to keep her in the media spotlight. Yeah, that sex tape was leaked. On no, someone hacked into your PDA! Bullshit! She is a needy, clingy walking abortion. For all the money and such that she has had access to through her whole life, you would think that she wouldn't need as much validation as she obviously does.

I say all this only because, last night at the Green Leaf, I saw a girl who obviously modeled herself on Paris Hilton. Other than the fact that the girl last night didn't bleach the fuck out of her hair like Paris, the resemblance was annoying. Same slight, stickish, figure. Same whoreish dress, well maybe the girl last night showed less skin, probably because it's winter. Same vacant eyes and unmoving expression. That's what so bothers me about Paris. Her eyes never change. It doesn't matter if Paris is smiling or crying, her eyes keep the same vacant stare. Ditto the girl last night.

She was throwing herself onto anything that moved, rubbing up against at least three different males within the space of about 20 minutes. But the buffest male, who used the most hair product, was obviously the main target of her affection. You could tell because she was always hitting the classic Paris pose: hips jutting out and thumbs tucked into the pockets or waistband, wrists cocked at a playful yet sexy angle. You couldn't tell by looking at her eyes. It's as if the anesthetic the plastic surgeon used never really wore off.

I was sickened watching these two vapid, 'pretty' people do their mating dance. I don't need to see that kind of shit whilst I'm drinking. I hope they did end up fucking, and that his seed had enough sense or luck to find her absentminded eggs. And I hope that her malnourished frame somehow can support that small life growing within. Because that baby, judging by its parents, will be a black hole of intellect, and I hope that it sucks the mom away with it.

Beyonce

BEYONCE DANCING IN SLOW MOTION

Commercials

I'm seriously considering just taping shit off of T.V. as souvenirs for people at home. The shows themselves are just slightly crazy. Except for the wrestling, that crap be whack. Half an hour of guys dropping each other on their heads. Human bodies ain't meant to do what their bodies do.

I got sidetracked.

The shows on television are interesting, but it is the commercials that make me sit up and pay attention. There's one that is just a bunch of cute Japanese girls dancing to happy music. It makes me smile. Japanese girls wiggling is good stuff. Even better is the commercial for some kind of apple yoghurt. It's a hot Japanese lady in short shorts doing ball aerobics. I always pause in whatever I am doing to watch.

Then there are ones that involve puppets. Lemon puppets. Others involve... I don't even know. After some of these commercials, I have this discussion with myself in my head:
"What the hell was that commercial advertising?"
"I don't know, man, but I want it."

As I type this, I am watching a movie on T.V. I have no idea what it's about, but there's a chick with a sword and a short skirt. She just threw dynamite into a building, and turned away as the building blew up. The explosion hurled flaming bodies all over. Her back turned to the carnage, she still managed to cleave a flaming flying body in twain. And now her sword is ON FIRE!

I think that the main baddy is a eunuch. And I think this flick has been edited for television. Oh wait. She just killed the villain. She cut his throat. Well, she cut right though, but he didn't notice until he did a a spinning slice attack and his head didn't rotate. Kinda neat. Oh wait, now she's crying. Is that Jesus? What the hell is this movie? I should watch television more often.

I Banged the Fuck Out of My Toe

It doesn't hurt that much anymore, but man! For a while there, I wasn't happy. I did it at work and managed to not scream or swear in front of the chill'ins. Speaking of chill'ins, have you been to gizoogle yet? It's like Pimp My Ride for webpages. Bitch.

heh

What's Better Than a Japanese Schoolgirl?

That's right: a wet Japanese Schoolgirl. There was more that I wanted to talk about but now my brain is all caught up in thoughts of wet Japanese schoolgirls. Cuz, y'see, they're schoolgirls see? But they're all wet! They're even more pouty than usual and they are WET!

Here's a picture of a small Japanese boy who really enjoys rubber boobs.

This is the Title

This is what I see everyday. Can you tell where their skirts end and their coats begin? No, not really. If they were wearing cut-offs, you would be able to see the bottoms of their pockets hanging down past the denim. It is so, so nice. And very, very distracting.

This one time, I was in a train car full of Japanese schoolgirls. More and more just kept coming in. They were all pressed up against me.

Now to pull a page out of my friend Eric's webpage, I'm just going to mention a couple of links and such.

I've finally gotten around to playing some Kingdom of Loathing. It is pretty fun. It's a stripped down turn based role playing game of sorts. With stick figures and knob goblins. I'm a level 3 sauceror. I was tempted to be a seal clubber or a disco bandit, but my love of Gravy won out in the end.

We oftentimes listen to Triple J on the internet. It plays some interesting stuff. Sometimes this interesting stuff is available on the internet. I've always been a fan of ranting set to music, so I like this. You might not. I'm not sure if I like this, but it deserves a link.

If you'll pardon me, I have some gawking to do.

God Damn

This country has some fantastic looking ladies in it. Just yesterday I had to train one of them. I was teaching a phonics lesson and she was one of the teacher students. What's weird is she isn't the type I would usually go for. Dyed hair. I like the straight black hair, but it worked for her. And she was wearing super low cut jeans and a shirt that didn't cover her belly. I could see her hip bones, which is another thing I don't usually like. But, once again, it worked for her. The thing that put her over the top for me, other than when she asked me what I was doing later, was her light brown eyes. Light coloured eyes ain't that common in this country, and they are a bit bewitching.

That's about it I guess.

Coming of Age Day

I was sorely tempted to make some kind of double entendre using the word cum. But I didn't. If you frequent my other site, the one about Japan, you will have read all about how today was Adult's Day. All sorts of girls wandering about in kimonos because they are 20 years old. You know what that means? Yep. Any girl wearing a kimono was boneable. It's like a very expensive "Non-Jailbait" sign. I say that because the girls here all look so young. Some people might have a problem with that. I am not one of those people. It's taking most of my willpower to keep this particular blog from degenerating into a collection of recollections of hot chicks I've seen during the day. That would entail a lot of typing on my part as Japan is filled with females I find desirable. It's enjoyably frustrating.

What Lund Said

The developmentally disabled person next door has moved. Which is for the best. It means that I can't be a horribly horrible person and mention that s/he sounded like a seal being raped by an orangutan. That would just be a mean thing to do.

Poop

I finally partook of a Japanese ultra toilet. And I am a changed man. Heated seats might be the world's single greatest invention. Fuck Polio vaccinations and the steam engine and the fucking wheel! I wasn't sure how I would feel about the bidet action, but I'm gonna give it the thumbs up. At first all it did was get my balls wet, but I adjusted the stream and it was all good baby. That's about it I guess.

Still haven't shit in an actual Japanese toilet though, I ain't about to shit in a trough.

Come see the DUCK!!

Haven't been up to all that much lately, really. Just work and stuff. And when I don't work, I sit in front of the computer and surf for nothing in particular.

Well, I guess that's not quite true. I've been doing a lot of webcomic reading and music downloading. I added websnark to my bookmarks which probably helped. And I added websnark because I was switching over to Firefox, so maybe all the thanks should go to Firefox. Firefox really is quite lovely. Yes I know that I really use really and quite quite a lot.

Websnark is just some guy talking about webcomics. Doesn't sound all that exciting, and it isn't really, (there's that word again) but the guy isn't an idiot and has some fairly good points and I have this odd compulsion to read other people's thoughts about things.

Websnark led me to Questionable Content. In addition to being a fairly decent li'l webcomic, the author/artist is always recommending music I've usually never heard of. And I've liked almost all of it. I'm getting all indie and shit. I never would have heard of Deerhoof otherwise. But I heard of The Go! Team via Nintendorks. I love The Go! Team, they're like a great soundtrack to a fantastic 70's movie. Or something. I'm not quite sure of the best way to describe them.

TOUCH!!!!

I bought a DS. A few days ago already. My original plan, I think, was to take pictures of me opening the box and all that good stuff. Document this momentous occasion. But I didn't, I just kind of tore into the box and started playing. Pictochat alone kept me amused for over an hour. Dear Christ do I love Nintendo. They just put crazy amounts of thought into everything. Like the startup noises. Starting up a GameCube makes me happy. Hearing the distinctive wash of sound and Bing! that accompanies the powering up of a GBA makes me happy. And now, the discordant and echo-y p-ping of starting up a DS brings me joy. And the pictochat sounds. A lot of developers might have just let it be silent, but not Nintendo, they gave almost everything a sound. The perfect sound. There might be people who find the sounds annoying, well they can just turn down the volume can't they.

I didn't pick up the Mario rehash with my DS, nor Feel the Love. Man, them games is old hat. I'm live in the now, baby, not in last fucking month. I live in Japan, not in North fucking America. Why buy games that can be bought in Canada, when I can buy games that are only available over here? So I bought the Wario DS game.

I can say now, without a shadow of a doubt, that this game is the best game on the DS right now. For me, personally, it was worth buying a DS for. But that's me. I'd also say that the N64 was worth it just for Mario 64. I'm going to assume that we've all of us here played Made in Wario. This game is just like that one, but played entirely with a stylus. It is divine. This is a game you could give to just about anyone and they would figure out what to do. It is the most "pick up and play"able game ever. Except maybe for pong. Hell, I couldn't read most of what was going on and I still beat it. Yep. I beat it. I beat it on the second day of ownership. But that's okay. Shit, I beat Mega Man 2 on the second day and it is still my favourite Mega Man game.

Like I say, it's about the little touches. These Wario games are comprised almost entirely of little 5 second chunks of gameplay. 5 seconds ain't all that long, but Nintendo still manages to cram so much personality in there. The way a toupee shifts slightly, the victory poses, "A Chance Encounter", snippets of old Nintendo game music. It surprised me that I still knew the music from Hogan's Alley and that Skeet Shooting game. It may have been called Skeet Shoot. It's like this game rewards me for a lifelong love of videogames.

I also bought Zoo Keeper. It's your basic move around the different blocks to line up three of a kind type of puzzle game. Nothing mind blowing. But it's well done, and the stylus really helps. You can still use the control pad, but all that does is show you how much faster and easier the game plays with a stylus. And the female announcer has , like, the cutest voice I have ever heard.

I haven't seen my credit card statement yet, but I saved a fair bit of money buying the DS here in Japan as well. The only drawback to that is that the Japanese DS doesn't come with the Metroid: Hunters demo. That kind of bummed me out a little. But then I played some Zoo Keeper and that girl's voice cheered me right up.

I Tell You What To Listen To

Use your music finding software and tell it to find songs by the following people/groups: Asian Kung Fu Generation, Bennie K, and Utada. DO IT!!!

I Always Think of Good Titles When I Don't Need Them

I don't have a DS yet. I tried. And I failed. But, BUT I was a part of this...

This was one of the many TOUCH! displays set up around Osaka, encouraging people to try out this crazy new DS doo-hicky. The way it works is as follows: you go up to any of the cute, mini skirt clad girls and she would place the DS into your hands, lean over your shoulder, show you how to play and then offer words of encouragement. They smelled nice.

Nintendogs is one of the games I played. Basically a pet simulator. Pet dog simulator. You can pet them and play with them and talk to them. It was very cute. A very gimmicky, shallow game but one that compels me to own it.

Since I didn't manage to pick up a DS on the launch day, I am hoping to maybe pick one up on the 12th. That is the PSP launches here in Japan. That's right: Fuck you Sony!

Touch this!!!

Sorry

I can tell when I've been lax in my blogging. If Kelley's blog has updated since the last ime I've blogged, I've been lazy. That's not so much a knock on Kelley as it is an indicator of my slightly competitive nature.

I have been busy trying to find work. And getting into a bit of a funk about not finding any. It sucks that morons who come over solely for the pussy are getting hired instead of me. They should either give me their job or their girlfriend.

I still don't know how to continue the story. I want to go back and re-write the last entry, add a lot more detail. Describe the stable in depth. But I won't. I'll figure something out. Or I'll give up.

More Festa

But now it has been over a week since the Festa and I just can't seem to get myself all worked up over it again. It was a good time. But I'm not sure what else I can really say about most of the games I played. But, for you kids, I'll give it the old college try.

I didn't really try that hard in college.

Christ, I'm having trouble remembering all what I played.

Mario64x4: Didn't like it as much as I thought I would. This game needs analogue control. I mean that in the most serious, literal way possible. This was the game that introduced analogue control to the consoles. I know that you can use the Touch! screen to effect quasi-analogue control, but it wasn't nearly as responsive as it needed to be. Without the faint resistance of an analogue stick, it was much harder to get the precision I wanted. And the control pad? Forget it.

All that being said, the game was still great. But a great port of a fantastic game is still disappointing. The minigames were fun. I didn't get to try them all out, but the ones I did try took great advantage of the system and were easy to pick up and play. I didn't get to try the multiplayer though.

I tried the Wario Ware DS game and... wario games are just fantastic. Pure genius! You know how you can tell when a game is pure genius? Tommy Tallarico doesn't get it. Fuck that midget is dumb pile of fuck. But back to WarioWare (Called Made In Wario over here): back before the DS, I was a bit worried that they might run out of ideas. Cuz every new games needs at least 300 mini games in it, at least half of those new, that's a lot of little games. When I saw that the GameCube game didn't really add anything but multiplayer, I got a bit concerned. The game was still stupidly fun, but I was afraid it might Ware out its welcome sooner than I would like. Did you see what I did there? With the pun? Yeah, I'm just that good.

But all my doubts were for naught. The new GBA game that was just released a little while ago here in Japan has a motion sensor which opens up all sorts of new games. The DS offers nigh-limitless possibilities. Silly me, I had forgotten all about that Nintendo innovates.

So yeah, Wario DS is fantastic. Is it a launch game over in North America? It should be. This game is a system seller. Way more than Mario 64x4. I love the little touches in this game. When rounds are only 5 seconds long, why would they even bother with the little touches? Because they are Nintendo. There's a minigame where all you have to do is draw a line between two buildings so a stick man can escape a fire. Easy. But the line is almost never perfectly straight, there's bumps and dips and such. And the stick man moves along these bumps and such perfectly as he moves between the buildings. I love that. Tonnes of minigames, the likes of which you've never had to do before in a video game.

I didn't get to try out Pictochat because my Japanese is crap.


Played Shadow of Rome by Capcom. I enjoyed it. But I sucked at it. I think the buttons corresponded to your limbs, but I never really got used to it. Mainly I just threw my sword at people. Not on purpose. Lots of blood, that was nice. The camera was a bit crap though, so that was not so good. I didn't play any of the stealth sections, but I think I've mentioned my thoughts on stealth missions before.

If not, here they are in quick form. Unless it's Zelda, Metal Gear, or a game involving ninjas, spies or Sam Fisher, leave stealth the fuck out of my game. For some reason, developers seem to think that it adds variety to their games. Mainly it just adds frustration.

The best part of playing Shadow of Rome was that I was right next to the Devil May Cry 3 machines. There are some cool ass real time cinemas in that game. The combat looks pretty good too. Resident Evil for is still god-damn gorgeous and still controls a bit sloppy for my liking.


The other thing I should mention about Capcom's section is that it's weird seeing the Capcom logo on Tom Clancy games.


I guess since I mentioned it in my last post, I should probably talk about Metal Gear Solid 3. I can't say that much about it because I didn't play that much of it. I picked up the controller, started a new game, skipped the opening cinema because I just wanted to play the game damnit. Then the codec screen popped up. I jammed on the buttons to skip through the dialogue, but it just kept going. And going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going. And going. I finally gained control of Snake, so I tried doing all sorts of things. I succeeded only in shooting some alligators, watched them lamely disappear and then drowned myself in a swamp. That was my experience with MGS3:Half as Much Talking as Last Time, But Still 5 Times as Much Talking as This Game Actually Needs.



I played some DOA:Ultimate and was dismayed that I forgot most of Tina's moves. But she still had boobies, so I wasn't that upset.

Can't really think of what else I played. Viewtiful Joe 2 was good. DS was god. Rogue Agent was crap. All the Japanese girls were cute and hot.

Love Jam

Look closely at this picture. It is the cover to this girl's new C.D called "Love Jam". Her face and tongue are covered in 'love jam' and she seems to like it. Dear god I love this country.
I'm tired. I go now.

Why No Pictures?

I meant for there to be some pictures in my Game Festa entry, but my uploader program is a little moody right now. I'll put them up some time soon. Japanese chicks is hawt!

Japan Games Festa

So, it was mentioned on my other blog that Carla and I attended the Japan Games Festa. And that it was good. Both those statements are true. If that is all you need to know, then you can probably stop reading now. Cuz I'm gonna go way more in depth about it. Geeky crazy more in depth. Or maybe I'll get tired and do a really half-assed job.

As I mentioned on my other site, the first game I tried out was one from Sega called kimi no tame nara shineru. Loosely translated, it means "I would die for you". The American title is Feel the Magic: XX/XY or somesuch. And it was good. As were the shirts that the people wore to promote the game. As was the cute Japanese girl who whispered words of encouragement as I tried to get the guy in the game to vomit up goldfish. She clapped when I succeeded. That made me happy.

The game was harder than I was expecting, mainly because the people in line in front of me didn't seem to have nearly the problems I did. Maybe because I held the stylus funny, I don't know. I still had fun. The DS, I am willing to state right now, will be pantloads of fun.

While I was waiting in line to play the DS, (the DS games had the biggest lines in the show. Followed closely, or tied, by Capcom's Biohazard 4 and Devil May Cry 3) I looked at some of the other games on display around where I was standing. There was some kind of RPG that looked cute and good, full of hand drawn sprite-y goodness. Shining Tears it may have been called. Next to that were some Altered Beast demo units. I meant to go back and play them later but I never did. Looked like a 3-D beat-em-up with gruesome CG transformation cut scenes. There was some Outrun 2 which I also didn't play and some fighting games that I also didn't play. Wow, I really didn't play a lot of Sega games, really only the one, because it will be released on a Nintendo system. Man, Kelly must hate me right now. To be fair, I meant to go back and play Altered Beast, and I didn't want to be embarrassed in front of elite Japanese haxxorz when I suxxored at Outrun 2 and the 2-D fighters. I didn't want to loose face.

Opposite all these Sega games were a whole lot of EA games and a dating simulation game. I didn't play the dating sim, but one time when I looked over, an anime girl in a short skirt was sitting on some guy's face. Looked like fun. Anyhoo, EA had a fair few games on display. The Lord of the Rings RPG was there. It looked nice, from what I could see when other people played it. I didn't play it myself, as the menu screens were full of kanji that I couldn't read. There was Need For Speed Underground 2 which looked much like the first. I wasn't interested in the first one either. Burnout 3 was there, but I own that game. It rocks. I meant to play that game at some point during the day as well. Then there were a lot of sports games. Then there was Goldeneye: Rogue Agent. It was playable on both the PS2 and the Gamecube. Every other game in the whole hall had line ups except for the Rogue Agent demo units. I know that the Japanese aren't all that fond of First Person Shooters, but this was kind of ridiculous. Plus, as I later saw, the Halo2 section of Demo units always had a line and all 5 of their machines were always in use.

I'm gonna break from strict chronology here. You see, I didn't play Goldeneye: Rogue Agent right away, Carla and I wandered the floor after the Sega DS game (BUY IT!). I came back to Rogue Agent (I refuse to call it Goldeneye) much later in the day. I'm gonna talk about it now though, because it was easily the worst game I played all day and I don't want it bothering me later.

So yeah, when I went back to play it the first time, the Cube version wasn't working. It was on some kind of error message and no combination of button pushing would get it to do anything. Maybe I am a bit biased, but I think the GameCube is the most stable console on the market right now. The PS2, and my feelings towards it are fairly well known. I think it sucks. I think PS2s are manufactured with built in obsolescence. And not the regular, "Have to buy the PS3!" obsolescence, but having to buy multiple PS2s cuz they crap out obsolescence. The XBox is flaky as well. I've lost count of the number of demo units I've seen in game stores with error messages on their screens. The GameCube is not without it's faults but it's a sturdier piece of hardware. I'm willing to bet that the error message from the Rogue Agent game had nothing to do with a malfunction in the Cube. Rather, it was some crap code that EA missed cuz they shit out crap product. Or maybe there wasn't a memory card inserted. EA, unlike every other publisher/developer out there can't seem to figure out how to make their games run without memory cards. It's fucking annoying.

The second time I went back, it was stuck on a different screen.

Why didn't I play the PS2 version? Because I am biased, that's why. Plus I prefer the Cube controller for shooters. To be honest, I think the XBox controller is best for shooters. But that may have something to do with Halo being on that machine. Plus you couldn't play multiplayer on the PS2. There were 4 controllers hooked up to the Cube only one to the PS2. Wow, I'm spending entirely too much time on Rogue Agent. Especially since I might write a later blog entry about how much EA sucks.

The third time I went back to try the game, one of the Festa staff members was trying to get it working. He waded through menu screen after menu screen. I think he went through the same ones a few times over as well. That EA, they sure know how to craft a user friendly front end! He eventually got it working, but only in multiplayer. No one wanted to play with me. Not even Carla. So I gave it a go on my own. This game sucks. It sucks hard. This game looks like crap in mulitiplayer. Like a non-blurry N64 Goldeneye. That ain't a compliment. And it moves so slow! Slower than the N64 original. And when I say original, I do not intend to infer that Rogue Agent is in any way a sequel. No one who worked on the N64 game had anything to do with this piece of shit. This game has nothing to do with the movie. It is called Goldeneye because the main character, an evil guy, has a Golden eye. How fucking stupid is that? So yeah, the multiplayer plays worse than a seven year old game. How is that even possible? I mean, they could have just added some new characters to the N64 game, maybe a couple new weapons and speeded it up a bit and it would have been just fine. But no, they manage to fuck it up completely. From what I saw of the single player version, it fares only slightly better. The enemies seemed dim, and the animation was fairly crap. So bad. Fuck EA. Carla, who took pitty on me, picked up another controller and played for no more than 2 minutes before setting the controller back down and declaring that the game sucked ass. When the lady is right, she's right.

Let's lighten the mood a little. Halo 2 rocked. I'm sure a most of you already know that. Looked gorgeous. I only saw one instance of texture pop in, but who the fuck cares man, those grenade explosions are divine! And if they propel someone into a wall, where they realistically slide to the ground and crumple in all sorts of interesting ways, so much the better. And it controls like a dream. It wasn't configured to my liking at all, but still I was killing and evading like a pro. Only occasionally staring at the ground or the sky. I didn't play my best, in fact I out and out sucked my first round, but I did okay. That sword is awesome. As is double wielding. I didn't carjack anyone, nor did anyone else. Man, I can't wait to get home and have Seve smite me over and over and over in that game. The gaping chasm of quality between Halo 2 and the Bond game could not be bigger.

Dragon Quest 7 was there, but I didn't play any of the role playing games on offer because that is just too much reading and I read too damn slow. There were other SquareEnix games on offer, including one that no one was allowed to take pictures of. It was some kind of strategy card game starring super deformed versions of all sorts of characters form all sorts of Square and Enix games.

There was an Incredibles game for the GBA and one for the PS2. The GBA game looked like a run of the mill beat em up with a fairly limited arsenal of moves. The PS2 game looked really good and played fairly well. I beat up a bunch of goons in a very nice looking roof top level and then caught some explosives and threw them back at the flying bastards who had lobbed them at me. The I triggered a cinema that froze. So I slunk away. There was some kind of quasi Matrix-y looking game from Taito. It looked lame but fun. I didn't play it.

I played Rumble Roses. And I urge you all to do the same. Seriously. All of you who have access to a PS2, go play this game right now. This game makes Dead or Alive look tame. It is so over the top in its objectification of the female form that it's impossible to take seriously. So much jiggle. And the game engine under all the eye candy is pretty solid. You need to experience a mudwrestling match in skimpy bikinis. Every time there is an excuse for the camera to zoom into one of the girls' crotch or chest area, it does. Man. It almost makes me want to get a PS2 when I get back home. Almost.

I've gone on for a fair bit here, and Carla and I have an excursion planned for tomorrow so maybe I will split this coverage into two parts, maybe more.

I guess that's all for now. Tune in next time where I will bitch about Metal Gear Solid!

Perverted Ramblings

Dear God. I mean seriously.

The girls here (not all of them) wear their skirts so damn short. They have to be a certain length during school hours, but once they leave school grounds, they just hike em up to nearly their armpits. It is a wonderful sight.

Carla and I were walking around Kyoto, enjoying the lovely weather and enjoying the sights. We were walking along a pleasant little stream. We approached a corner, and that was where I saw it: a schoolgirl foot. As we walked closer, the leg came in to view and what a wondrous leg it was! Pale, smooth, unmarred, unblemished. We kept walking, more and more of the leg was revealed. How far up is this leg going to go? I wondered to myself. ALL THE WAY UP! My mind nearly shot out my nose as I saw the gentle curve of her thigh melt into the glorious calypigian roundness of her behind. She was sitting on the ground, knees bent, skirt only long enough to protect her ass from the ground, but not my gaze.

But it got better, she was sitting and chatting with her friend. Her friend who was also wearing a short skirt. Her friend who was sitting with her feet on the ground, knees sharply bent, legs wide open. Her friend who didn't seem to realize what she was shareing with the world. Or, even better, she did know and got off on that knowledge. I can now understand the Japanese male's obsession with undergarments.

I always think that I have pictures of what I saw, so burned into my mind's eye are they. But I don't. But the memories will last a lifetime.

I know I sound like a complete perv, but I don't fucking care. I saw what I saw and I liked what I saw and there is nothing I can do to change it. Listen to me, defending myself. I must be getting old.

Flin Florn and Flarn

I seem to be like the Star Trek movie with my recent blog novel or "Blovel" updates. The Even Ones (of which there is only one) are good, whilst the Odd Ones (unfortunately, there are twice as many) are less so. This irks me. What irks me even more is that I have no idea where the hell the story is going. I have a few ideas of what I might do next, but I don't think I like any of them. Here are my options so far: Lucky finds a switch that lowers a section of the stable floor down into a futuristic tunnel. Lucky is awoken by someone who thinks he is Steve/Dave. Lucky goes back out into the storm, Peaches knows the way. Jane finds Lucky in the stable and wither fucks or shoots him, maybe both. Lucky wakes up in some other time and place entirely.

A fair few options, I just don't know which one, if any, I am going to choose.

Damn.

Wherein The Plot Gets Lost, Maybe

"Hey Peaches." Lucky said as he patted his horse's muzzle. The horse made a happy noise. Lucky smiled, though it hurt his nose to do so.

"It's a good thing you came along when you did, Peaches, these legs o' mine are filled with a fair bit of hurt." The horse, who Lucky couldn't really see on account of the storm, flipped Lucky's hand off of it's nose and sounded a dismissive snort. "You heard that did ya?" Lucky said as his face turned a little pink. "Sorry Peaches, you know how I can carry on sometimes."

The horse didn't 'say' anything in return, it just stuck its head under Lucky's armpit and nudged him upwards. Lucky slowly took to his feet, feeling the pain howl through his lower legs. "mph." he said, not wanting to upset his horse. The horse licked his left ear affectionately. "Thanks, but what I really need for you to do is kneel down for me, these legs can barely keep me standing. They ain't gonna let me hop on your back."

The horse did as it was asked and Lucky eased himself onto its back. "Oh man! That's worlds better!" Lucky collapsed forward, eyes closed, enjoying the fleeing of the pain. He patted Peaches' neck. I don't know how you found me, buddy, but I'm glad you did. Maybe you can find us a place to wait this (Lucky's first word choice was bitch, but he demurred) storm out." Before he was even finished talking, Peaches was moving.

It was an odd feeling, the horse moving underneath him. Lucky remembered being nearly raised on horseback, but those memories seemed almost unreal. The muscles working beneath him uncovered old memories, just to have them blown away with the wind. Lucky sat up and gave his head a shake. "It seems like you know where you're going."

The wind died down just enough for Lucky to see Peaches' head motion ahead and to the right. Lucky hoped maybe the storm was dying down, but the wind picked right up again, nearly tearing him of his horse's back.

A few minutes later they were out of the wind. Peaches had brought them into a stable. Just like in the bar, the wind and dust and grit seemed to stop at the door.

Lucky was debating whether or not to get down when Peaches made the decision for him. The horse kneeled down and turned its head to look at Lucky. "Right." Lucky gingerly dismounted and was relieved to find that the pain was much more bearable. He wouldn't be sprinting any time soon, but he could walk fair enough. As soon as Lucky was off, Peaches stood up, shook out it's mane and cantered over to a dead horse. Peaches gave Lucky a meaningful look and then began tearing into the horse's guts.

"Looks like you've been busy." remarked Lucky as he walked over to join his horse. "Real busy." as he saw the other two horse corpses. One of the horses had been hitched to a railing, so its head was stretched out at a most unpleasant looking angle. It was fairly obvious that these horses belonged to the posse that had found Lucky in the bar. One (the hitched) looked like it's owner didn't take good care of it, one looked like it's back was bowed and one (the one being eaten) just plain looked like a dick. "I understand that one," Lucky indicated the jerk horse with his head, "but did you have to kill these other two?" Most people have never seen a horse shrug. Lucky was not one of those people.

Lucky hunkered down on his haunches, inhaled sharply, then plopped his butt on the earthen floor. He went through all the saddle bags. Nothing all that terribly useful. A bit more money, some bullets, a slightly chewed chunk of jerky. Lucky packed away his findings then set out to look around the place a bit. It wasn't all that big a building: four stalls, two on either side, two large, open spaces, one on each side of the stalls, one filled with a few dead horses, the other one empty but for hay. Other than outside the only place left to check was up in the loft, and Lucky's shins didn't welcome the idea of going up or down that ladder. Lucky's stomach didn't much relish the thought of staying down on the ground with Peaches gnawing away and that horse with its awkward angled head and dead staring eyes.

"Fuck it." said Lucky, in his head. He started up the ladder, quite relieved to find that his legs didn't hurt near as bad as his shins had led him to believe they would. He found three bedrolls up in the loft, along with some masticated corn cobs, plenty of cigar stumps and cigarette butts, and a half full flask of unpleasant tasting hooch.

"Why the hell were they camped out up here?"

Lucky thought the best way to get to the bottom of all this was to sleep on it, so he finished of the flask in one great gulp, rolled himself up in Steve/Dave's bed, and closed his eyes.

Better, Maybe

See, that's what I like about writing. I just kinda started typing, with a very vague idea of what I wanted to say, of what I wanted to happen, and all sorts of other shit came out. I'd talk about the cool shit I mean, but this post will come before the post I'm talking about so I will ruin it for whoever reads this chronologically. Which is not that many people, but I am nothing if not considerate. I'll talk about the Wherein Doubts are Had bit as an example instead. That whole waking up naked in a military base popped into my head as I was typing out the sentence. Hell, other than the fact that Lucky was going to have doubts about leaving the bar, I had nothing else in my brain. (oh fuck it, I'm gonna talk about the wherein I just just wrote)SPOILER!! That part with all the Fucks in the last bit, totally came out of nowhere. END SPOILER!! I'm not all that pleased so far with the way I'm handling the plot so far, but I like all my little asides. Of course those will be what pisses most people off, I'd wager. But I'm having fun. I like writing. Which comes in handy when trying to write a novel in a month.

Wherein Fuck Is Used More Than Once

Still, there was a chance that Lucky might end up back in the bar. And not after he makes a heroic return, having vanquished whatever Great Evil is plaguing this land either. There was a good chance that Lucky might've stumbled back into the bar whilst wandering blindly through the dust storm.

Not to say that there was a Great Evil plaguing this land. Lucky had no idea if there was or wasn't, but he was leaning towards was. It just seemed to always happen that Lucky found himself in the position of being the one to stand in the face of Great Evil. And of him being lucky enough to make it out of said position alive. Lucky couldn't count how much evil he had vanquished. Partly because he had a very spotty memory. And partly because as soon as he began thinking of such things, his mind invariably started debating with itself about the nature of evil; of how maybe Lucky himself was the evil one and all the people he killed were not so bad really, once you got to know them. And partly because he really had vanquished a lot of evil.

Still, Lucky had no idea what to do with himself. His only option, as far as he could reckon, was to walk. It didn't matter what direction, since the wind would knock him off any course he might vainly choose. Mindlessly walking had served him well. Sure, it usually brought him into the path of the aforementioned Evil, but it also brought him back out again relatively unscathed.

So Lucky started walking. One foot in front of the other. Fairly big strides. He wasn't the type to inch forward. The wind blew him this way and that. It tugged at his clothes, his guns, his/Dave's/Steve's hat. Lucky tried to pay it no mind. Which was not a problem as his mind was dwelling on other things. On Jane's lap, on Steve being a Dave and/or vice versa, on half memories and fragments of other lives and other times. His mind was so far away that he didn't notice how much his shin hurt until his nose was bleeding.

Lucky's shin had run right into the boardwalk, and Lucky's momentum pitched him forward, nose first onto the walk. Lucky assumed it was a boardwalk, what with him being the old west and with it feeling like a bunch of boards beneath his sore face. He took a few moments to assess the situation and then took the course of action he thought most appropriate.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" He screamed as he rolled onto his back.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" He screamed as he sat up and began rubbing his shin, feeling it already beginning to swell.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" He screamed as he gingerly touched his nose, checking to see if it was broken.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" He screamed as he found that it was not.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" He screamed, not caring if Jane heard. No, to be truthful he did care a little but not near enough to stop screaming fuck.

In fact he would have kept screaming that world for a good long while if not for the wet pinkness that attacked his face.

Yeah... Sorry About That

That little bit of story (Wherein Doubts Are Had) wasn't that great and I'll be the first to admit it. The idea behind it still has some merit to it, I reckon. The hero of the story worrying about he will be perceived. I like that thought. If I would have just kept writing the story way back when the idea first occurred to me, I think it would have turned out better. But I took a long ass break and I forgot how goddamn tall this horse I have to get back on to is. Plus I'm allergic to horses. But no matter. Not that I think I will actually complete this story within the month, and not that I think this story will even be novel sized when done, but the spirit of this NaNoWriMo is to just say FUCK IT and keep writing. So I guess that is what I should do.

Wherein Doubts Are Had

Lucky strode with purpose into the storm. That purpose fled with the surroundings. Whithin seconds he was ensconced in swirling brown-ness. He turned around. The bar was no longer there. Oh, it was still there, Lucky just couldn't see it. This wasn't like that one time when the world tore itself down and then rebuilt itself in front of Lucky's horrified eyes. It took a week for his voice to come back, he screamed it away so violently. The next day Lucky had no voice and no recollection of why it had gone away. These two problems made explaining to the unpleasant men with guns why he was naked and inside a military base.

But getting back to this now, this now has almost nothing in common with that then. The world was not changing, it was just blowing a lot.

Lucky thought about retreating back to the relative safety of the bar. There was less wind in there. A conspicuous lack of wind, now that Lucky thought back on it. Why hadn't the saloon doors been blowing and banging in the wind? Why hadn't there been dust all over the place. These were interesting questions and Lucky very much wanted to find out the answers to them. By sitting inside the non-blowy, non-dusty bar. Preferably close to Jane. Jane's lap was warm. Lucky missed it something fierce, in spite of the fact that he had only just met her. Thinking of Jane brought another thought to his mind.

"I left the bar looking like such a bad ass." Lucky said to the wind. "Iconic. I can't just scamper back in there complaining about a little wind. Fuck." Lucky half hoped that the wind was swallowing up his words half hoped that it was carrying them straight to Jane's ears. He whole hoped that she would come running through those doors oddly unaffected by the storm and yell after him. Beg him to stay a spell.

But she didn't.

"Still," Lucky thought out loud, "maybe walking back in there wouldn't look that bad. Maybe even laugh about it later. Her and I, naked, content in the afterglow. Drinking and laughing, glad and embarrassed that I came back. Fuck."

But Lucky knew that he wouldn't stroll back into the bar, he had his pride. He had chosen a path of action and he wasn't going to turn from it so quickly.

Plus he had no idea how to get back to where he so longed to be.

"Fuck."

See Below

It is now officially National Novel writing Month or NaNoWriMo. I figured that since I already had a story started on this here site, I might as well use NaNoWriMo as an excuse to do some more work on it. Just to refresh your memory, seeing as I've been lax with the new story bits, all new bits of story shall have a title of "Wherein..." Fer instance, right after this post, I shall knock off the next chunk o' prose and it shall be called "Wherein Doubts Are Had." and it will be universally hailed as where my story turned to shit. I have no idea what I'm doing here, guys. This will be total seat of the pants improv. Try not to throw sharp things at me.

Ewwwww...

I am a little creeped out right about now. One of our neighbours is an American named Tim. Right now he is trying to seduce a Japanese girl. He's got some crap slow R&B music playing, heavy on the bass, and he's laughing way too much. A real creepy laugh. Like you'd hear coming out of a twelve year old boy who's pretty sure he's about to see a boobie, but coming out of a leacherous old man. High and desperate and forced. Creepy. I don't like it. I don't like how it's a student of his that he's trying to fuck. That's a little wrong. At first I thought he had hired himself a lady friend, but then I heard some of their conversation and it was about speaking English well.

Maybe I should describe Tim a bit. He's a thick man. I'm trying to think of an easy comparison. A name or actor that would make everyone go "Oh, I know that guy!" But I can't. He's about 5'10, older than me(but not by much), with short dark hair. He looks like he used to be in shape but has just been coasting these last few years and most of his muscle has turned to fat. He'd still be able to kick the shit out of me, but he'd be really winded at the end of it. His most striking feature is his birthmark, it's on his face. A violent pink splotch that covers about a fifth of his face, centered around his right eye. He struck me as a creep right off the bat, so maybe I'm judging him a bit harshly. But my gut is usually not wrong.

God, there's that laugh again. I really don't like the sound of it. There's a greasy, evil undercurrent to it. Like the twelve year old is thinking to himself, "If I don't get to see that boob, I'm going to go drown a kitten."

I hope he moves.

Mickey loves the cock.

Tekken 5

Tekken 5 is out now in the arcades here and everyone is all in a tizzy.We stopped by an arcade, a Namco arcade to check it out. The first thing we saw was this promo video, showing off the new features of the game. Basically, anything that was good about Virtua Fighter 4 in the arcade, Tekken rips it off and pretends it came up with the idea all on its own. You can play against players all over Japan via TekkenNet. You can unlock stuff, new costumes and such, and save it to a memory card. You are graded on how well you fight. Plus, there's new characters. At least three. Probably more. Not that it matters. It seems all Tekken Players in Japan use Paul. In the short time we were in that arcade, we saw countless Paul vs. Paul matches. Other than his hair, I just don't see Paul's appeal. It is common knowledge that Paul is a shit name and only stupid people who eat their own waste are called by said name.

All that being said, there were a fair few people waiting in line to play Tekken. From what I could tell from the sidelines, the game looks like a prettier Tekken 4. Which was a prettier Tekken 3, which was a prettier Tekken 2, which was a hell of a lot better looking than Tekken 1. As you can tell, I ain't the world's biggest Tekken fan. I've played them all, save for 5, and I like them all. But I don't own any of them. I wait until they are released on a home console, I rent them, I unlock everything and then I go back to playing Soul Calibur, DOA3 and Melee.

Here is a picture of Paul in action. He's a bit blurry, in a vain attempt at disguising how lame he is. But we all know his terrible secret. He's a Paul, and always will be.



There was plenty of other stuff to play other than T5, including some more really interesting games that will never make it to North America. Like this here sword fighting game. Meaning, you pick up the sword attached to the machine and swing it around to dispatch the enemies on screen. Like a light gun game but with a sword. There's a bit of skill involved too, as you can dodge, parry and even perform combos. Pretty Nifty.

Pretty Fucking bizzare is this game. A comedy game, if my understanding of Japanese is to be trusted (and it is not!). Basically, you follow the action on screen and slap and beat the crap out of the dummy provided in order to make the audience laugh. Never saw anyone play it and I didn't play it myself as there's now way I would be able to read the onscreen prompts fast enough.

Quest of D was there in full effect. I still don't know much more about this game than what I related last time I spoke of it, but now I have pictures of it! Woot! I even have pictures of the touch screen being used! LOOK! Look there! She is touching the screen, making magic with her fingertip! Truly a powerful wiccan is she! Behold her vast command of the arcane arts!


Virtua Cop 3 was there if you wanted to shoot things. There was also a strange ping pong game. That's all for now.



Wait, I wanna give a shout out to my good friend Paul. He loves the cock almost as much as Mickey. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Except that Paul likes the shit encrusted cock, which I think is a little unhygienic.