The House of Cosby!!

Here's a good link, y'see.

This one here is like a jello pudding pop.

With the hipping and the hopping.

Bill Cosby is funny. More Cosbys=more funny.

I Banged The Fuck Out of My Arm

Anyone who has visited us at the five star Orange House knows that there is only one stall in the whole building that has a western style toilet. That stall had been locked all weekend. Thinking that something was up, I hoisted myself up the wall of the adjacent stall and took a peek. The locked western stall was empty. Someone's idea of a joke I guess. I took it upon myself to sort this stupid situation out. I clambered over the top and was gingerly lowering myself down. I managed to stop my rapid descent by banging the fuck out of my arm. It does not feel good.


Also, I'm losing my voice. Maybe I shouldn't be cutting my orange juice with Tequila.

God Damn You George Lucas!!!

God damn you all to hell. My bitterness and pessimism had finally won out. I was resigned to the fact that Episode 3 wasn't going to be all that great. I was still going to see it opening day, download it off the internet and buy it on DVD, but I wasn't going to like it. Then the new trailer dropped. Fuck. That is a nice god damn trailer. I had been wondering how they were going to turn Anakin to the dark side without it feeling cheap and forced. They convinced me in the span of... however long that trailer was. And there's no sign of lameness in the trailer. No Gungans, no romance. All that shit is in the past. What's left is the good shit. A whole lot of Jedi are going to get their shit fucked up. Nothing but ass kicking and despair. I can't wait.

God damn you George Lucas, I cannot fucking wait.

Jokes

Why did God give women legs?
Have you seen the trail a snail leaves?

A woman is in the delivery room... I'm too lazy to type out the whole thing... "Don't worry, it was dead anyways."

Ba Dum Ching.

And I'm glad that not everyone I know knows about this site because I don't want them all to get pissed off at me when I say this: Japanese moms are hot. It's not like North America where it's like they take a year to get back into pre-birth shape. If anything, Japanese women are even hotter after they have a kid. They're still skinny and cute and dress amazingly, but they also have sensible hair. I love my job.

I Really Dislike Paris Hilton

I would say that I want her to die, but then there would be a period of mourning liable to rival that of a President and that might make me snap. She needs to disappear. She needs to stop manufacturing events in her life to keep her in the media spotlight. Yeah, that sex tape was leaked. On no, someone hacked into your PDA! Bullshit! She is a needy, clingy walking abortion. For all the money and such that she has had access to through her whole life, you would think that she wouldn't need as much validation as she obviously does.

I say all this only because, last night at the Green Leaf, I saw a girl who obviously modeled herself on Paris Hilton. Other than the fact that the girl last night didn't bleach the fuck out of her hair like Paris, the resemblance was annoying. Same slight, stickish, figure. Same whoreish dress, well maybe the girl last night showed less skin, probably because it's winter. Same vacant eyes and unmoving expression. That's what so bothers me about Paris. Her eyes never change. It doesn't matter if Paris is smiling or crying, her eyes keep the same vacant stare. Ditto the girl last night.

She was throwing herself onto anything that moved, rubbing up against at least three different males within the space of about 20 minutes. But the buffest male, who used the most hair product, was obviously the main target of her affection. You could tell because she was always hitting the classic Paris pose: hips jutting out and thumbs tucked into the pockets or waistband, wrists cocked at a playful yet sexy angle. You couldn't tell by looking at her eyes. It's as if the anesthetic the plastic surgeon used never really wore off.

I was sickened watching these two vapid, 'pretty' people do their mating dance. I don't need to see that kind of shit whilst I'm drinking. I hope they did end up fucking, and that his seed had enough sense or luck to find her absentminded eggs. And I hope that her malnourished frame somehow can support that small life growing within. Because that baby, judging by its parents, will be a black hole of intellect, and I hope that it sucks the mom away with it.

Beyonce

BEYONCE DANCING IN SLOW MOTION

Commercials

I'm seriously considering just taping shit off of T.V. as souvenirs for people at home. The shows themselves are just slightly crazy. Except for the wrestling, that crap be whack. Half an hour of guys dropping each other on their heads. Human bodies ain't meant to do what their bodies do.

I got sidetracked.

The shows on television are interesting, but it is the commercials that make me sit up and pay attention. There's one that is just a bunch of cute Japanese girls dancing to happy music. It makes me smile. Japanese girls wiggling is good stuff. Even better is the commercial for some kind of apple yoghurt. It's a hot Japanese lady in short shorts doing ball aerobics. I always pause in whatever I am doing to watch.

Then there are ones that involve puppets. Lemon puppets. Others involve... I don't even know. After some of these commercials, I have this discussion with myself in my head:
"What the hell was that commercial advertising?"
"I don't know, man, but I want it."

As I type this, I am watching a movie on T.V. I have no idea what it's about, but there's a chick with a sword and a short skirt. She just threw dynamite into a building, and turned away as the building blew up. The explosion hurled flaming bodies all over. Her back turned to the carnage, she still managed to cleave a flaming flying body in twain. And now her sword is ON FIRE!

I think that the main baddy is a eunuch. And I think this flick has been edited for television. Oh wait. She just killed the villain. She cut his throat. Well, she cut right though, but he didn't notice until he did a a spinning slice attack and his head didn't rotate. Kinda neat. Oh wait, now she's crying. Is that Jesus? What the hell is this movie? I should watch television more often.

I Banged the Fuck Out of My Toe

It doesn't hurt that much anymore, but man! For a while there, I wasn't happy. I did it at work and managed to not scream or swear in front of the chill'ins. Speaking of chill'ins, have you been to gizoogle yet? It's like Pimp My Ride for webpages. Bitch.

heh

What's Better Than a Japanese Schoolgirl?

That's right: a wet Japanese Schoolgirl. There was more that I wanted to talk about but now my brain is all caught up in thoughts of wet Japanese schoolgirls. Cuz, y'see, they're schoolgirls see? But they're all wet! They're even more pouty than usual and they are WET!

Here's a picture of a small Japanese boy who really enjoys rubber boobs.

This is the Title

This is what I see everyday. Can you tell where their skirts end and their coats begin? No, not really. If they were wearing cut-offs, you would be able to see the bottoms of their pockets hanging down past the denim. It is so, so nice. And very, very distracting.

This one time, I was in a train car full of Japanese schoolgirls. More and more just kept coming in. They were all pressed up against me.

Now to pull a page out of my friend Eric's webpage, I'm just going to mention a couple of links and such.

I've finally gotten around to playing some Kingdom of Loathing. It is pretty fun. It's a stripped down turn based role playing game of sorts. With stick figures and knob goblins. I'm a level 3 sauceror. I was tempted to be a seal clubber or a disco bandit, but my love of Gravy won out in the end.

We oftentimes listen to Triple J on the internet. It plays some interesting stuff. Sometimes this interesting stuff is available on the internet. I've always been a fan of ranting set to music, so I like this. You might not. I'm not sure if I like this, but it deserves a link.

If you'll pardon me, I have some gawking to do.

God Damn

This country has some fantastic looking ladies in it. Just yesterday I had to train one of them. I was teaching a phonics lesson and she was one of the teacher students. What's weird is she isn't the type I would usually go for. Dyed hair. I like the straight black hair, but it worked for her. And she was wearing super low cut jeans and a shirt that didn't cover her belly. I could see her hip bones, which is another thing I don't usually like. But, once again, it worked for her. The thing that put her over the top for me, other than when she asked me what I was doing later, was her light brown eyes. Light coloured eyes ain't that common in this country, and they are a bit bewitching.

That's about it I guess.

Coming of Age Day

I was sorely tempted to make some kind of double entendre using the word cum. But I didn't. If you frequent my other site, the one about Japan, you will have read all about how today was Adult's Day. All sorts of girls wandering about in kimonos because they are 20 years old. You know what that means? Yep. Any girl wearing a kimono was boneable. It's like a very expensive "Non-Jailbait" sign. I say that because the girls here all look so young. Some people might have a problem with that. I am not one of those people. It's taking most of my willpower to keep this particular blog from degenerating into a collection of recollections of hot chicks I've seen during the day. That would entail a lot of typing on my part as Japan is filled with females I find desirable. It's enjoyably frustrating.

What Lund Said

The developmentally disabled person next door has moved. Which is for the best. It means that I can't be a horribly horrible person and mention that s/he sounded like a seal being raped by an orangutan. That would just be a mean thing to do.

Poop

I finally partook of a Japanese ultra toilet. And I am a changed man. Heated seats might be the world's single greatest invention. Fuck Polio vaccinations and the steam engine and the fucking wheel! I wasn't sure how I would feel about the bidet action, but I'm gonna give it the thumbs up. At first all it did was get my balls wet, but I adjusted the stream and it was all good baby. That's about it I guess.

Still haven't shit in an actual Japanese toilet though, I ain't about to shit in a trough.

Come see the DUCK!!

Haven't been up to all that much lately, really. Just work and stuff. And when I don't work, I sit in front of the computer and surf for nothing in particular.

Well, I guess that's not quite true. I've been doing a lot of webcomic reading and music downloading. I added websnark to my bookmarks which probably helped. And I added websnark because I was switching over to Firefox, so maybe all the thanks should go to Firefox. Firefox really is quite lovely. Yes I know that I really use really and quite quite a lot.

Websnark is just some guy talking about webcomics. Doesn't sound all that exciting, and it isn't really, (there's that word again) but the guy isn't an idiot and has some fairly good points and I have this odd compulsion to read other people's thoughts about things.

Websnark led me to Questionable Content. In addition to being a fairly decent li'l webcomic, the author/artist is always recommending music I've usually never heard of. And I've liked almost all of it. I'm getting all indie and shit. I never would have heard of Deerhoof otherwise. But I heard of The Go! Team via Nintendorks. I love The Go! Team, they're like a great soundtrack to a fantastic 70's movie. Or something. I'm not quite sure of the best way to describe them.

TOUCH!!!!

I bought a DS. A few days ago already. My original plan, I think, was to take pictures of me opening the box and all that good stuff. Document this momentous occasion. But I didn't, I just kind of tore into the box and started playing. Pictochat alone kept me amused for over an hour. Dear Christ do I love Nintendo. They just put crazy amounts of thought into everything. Like the startup noises. Starting up a GameCube makes me happy. Hearing the distinctive wash of sound and Bing! that accompanies the powering up of a GBA makes me happy. And now, the discordant and echo-y p-ping of starting up a DS brings me joy. And the pictochat sounds. A lot of developers might have just let it be silent, but not Nintendo, they gave almost everything a sound. The perfect sound. There might be people who find the sounds annoying, well they can just turn down the volume can't they.

I didn't pick up the Mario rehash with my DS, nor Feel the Love. Man, them games is old hat. I'm live in the now, baby, not in last fucking month. I live in Japan, not in North fucking America. Why buy games that can be bought in Canada, when I can buy games that are only available over here? So I bought the Wario DS game.

I can say now, without a shadow of a doubt, that this game is the best game on the DS right now. For me, personally, it was worth buying a DS for. But that's me. I'd also say that the N64 was worth it just for Mario 64. I'm going to assume that we've all of us here played Made in Wario. This game is just like that one, but played entirely with a stylus. It is divine. This is a game you could give to just about anyone and they would figure out what to do. It is the most "pick up and play"able game ever. Except maybe for pong. Hell, I couldn't read most of what was going on and I still beat it. Yep. I beat it. I beat it on the second day of ownership. But that's okay. Shit, I beat Mega Man 2 on the second day and it is still my favourite Mega Man game.

Like I say, it's about the little touches. These Wario games are comprised almost entirely of little 5 second chunks of gameplay. 5 seconds ain't all that long, but Nintendo still manages to cram so much personality in there. The way a toupee shifts slightly, the victory poses, "A Chance Encounter", snippets of old Nintendo game music. It surprised me that I still knew the music from Hogan's Alley and that Skeet Shooting game. It may have been called Skeet Shoot. It's like this game rewards me for a lifelong love of videogames.

I also bought Zoo Keeper. It's your basic move around the different blocks to line up three of a kind type of puzzle game. Nothing mind blowing. But it's well done, and the stylus really helps. You can still use the control pad, but all that does is show you how much faster and easier the game plays with a stylus. And the female announcer has , like, the cutest voice I have ever heard.

I haven't seen my credit card statement yet, but I saved a fair bit of money buying the DS here in Japan as well. The only drawback to that is that the Japanese DS doesn't come with the Metroid: Hunters demo. That kind of bummed me out a little. But then I played some Zoo Keeper and that girl's voice cheered me right up.

I Tell You What To Listen To

Use your music finding software and tell it to find songs by the following people/groups: Asian Kung Fu Generation, Bennie K, and Utada. DO IT!!!

I Always Think of Good Titles When I Don't Need Them

I don't have a DS yet. I tried. And I failed. But, BUT I was a part of this...

This was one of the many TOUCH! displays set up around Osaka, encouraging people to try out this crazy new DS doo-hicky. The way it works is as follows: you go up to any of the cute, mini skirt clad girls and she would place the DS into your hands, lean over your shoulder, show you how to play and then offer words of encouragement. They smelled nice.

Nintendogs is one of the games I played. Basically a pet simulator. Pet dog simulator. You can pet them and play with them and talk to them. It was very cute. A very gimmicky, shallow game but one that compels me to own it.

Since I didn't manage to pick up a DS on the launch day, I am hoping to maybe pick one up on the 12th. That is the PSP launches here in Japan. That's right: Fuck you Sony!

Touch this!!!

Sorry

I can tell when I've been lax in my blogging. If Kelley's blog has updated since the last ime I've blogged, I've been lazy. That's not so much a knock on Kelley as it is an indicator of my slightly competitive nature.

I have been busy trying to find work. And getting into a bit of a funk about not finding any. It sucks that morons who come over solely for the pussy are getting hired instead of me. They should either give me their job or their girlfriend.

I still don't know how to continue the story. I want to go back and re-write the last entry, add a lot more detail. Describe the stable in depth. But I won't. I'll figure something out. Or I'll give up.