A Matter of Motivation

We know what Kevin Spacey's character, Frank (Francis) Underwood, wants in House of Cards. But his wife's motivations are unclear. She is just as driven and merciless as her husband, neither of them are nice people, but she pours an awful lot of time and energy into her charity. Why?

Maybe its supposed to be a mystery, but I just find it odd. Odd to spend so much time watching Claire trying to expand her clean water empire. How is this tied in to her husband's vendettas?

Everyone else's motivations are fairly evident, just not hers, which makes time spent with her character seem... almost wasted. I'm sure it will all click into place eventually. Like when I finally figured out where I knew some of these faces from. That's the lead from Cabin in the Woods, there's that girl from Once a Thief (the TV show). It all clicks into place and you can't believe you didn't recognize them. I imagine that is how I will feel about Claire's storyline. About this whole show, really. It has the feeling of a puzzle box. A lovely, ornamented (ornamental?) puzzle box.

Seriously, this is a good looking show. About horrible people.

Is it just me, or:

• does Kevin Spacey kinda look like Russel Crowe?
• does Robin Wright have a really weird looking lower neck?
• was that Playstation Vita product placement really obvious?
• did the first shot of the second episode look out of place?
• does this show make you hungry for ribs?

Things Come Up

I will still write about that other stuff, but this week had other stuff. Stuff like the PS4 announcement, and I started watching House of Cards. Both of those stuffs are filled with stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I'll post something every day. This counts for today.

A Statement of Intent

Since I remain criminally underemployed, I figure I should spend some of my days writing instead of making and consuming ice cream. Most of my writing will be about the making and consuming of ice cream. Well, this blog will be about that. That being food. And maybe movies.

I have another blog about video games. I will probably write about video games over on that one.

But each week I will have one of these posts writing about what I want to write about.

This week I want to write about popcorn ice cream, and Far Cry 3, and hopefully I will finally watch Django Unchained.

Let's Talk About Some Damn Movies!

It had been near forever and a day since last I spoke about some fil-lums I seen. So let's do this.

I am unsure if Michel Gondry will ever make a film that even approaches Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I haven't seen all of his stuff, dude makes a bunch of stuff, but I'm talking mainly about his feature films. His Hollywood feature films. Cuz Be Kind Rewind was not good. It had about half an hour of really good stuff in it, all the home-made/hand-made stuff. The rest was piffle.

The Green Hornet is maybe a bit better. Trade out Jack Black falling back on the most annoying of his schtick with Seth Rogen and his most annoying schtick. I like Rogen most of the time, but I pretty much hated his character by the end of this film. I know his incompetence and self-centerdeness are supposed to be played for laughs, but it just stopped being funny.

Kato never stopped being awesome And the film is at its best when he is on screen. The action scenes are the only time this film ever truly feels like it has a bit of life to it. The script is poorly paced and goes on for too long, and Gondry just lets it happen.

I am disappoint.

Not at all disappointed by True Grit. Not at all. I want to read the book to see which version is closer, as they end quite differently. Which could be due to the fact that the John Wayne True Grit is the story of the story, whereas this new one is the story of he girl. She narrates it, it is told from her perspective. So the two versions hit many of the same beats, but each has its own feel. And I like the feel of the Cohens' version better.

Right from the very first shot. I love that first shot. And the last shot. There are some good ones in between, too.

The earlier True Grit was not an ugly film by any stretch, but this new one... I just like how the Cohens see things. And I like Jeff Bridges, I like Matt Damon (whereas I can understand why people would prefer the Duke's version of Rooster, I cannpt comprehend how anyone could not prefer Damon's Texas Ranger), I like every damn body in here.

So yeah, Tue Grit is awesome and I hope it comes out as a double feature when it comes out on video.

I waited to long to blog about the moving pictures and some of them have done moved clear out my head.

Whip It

Whip It was good. Full of people I like. Some that I forgot I liked. And one lady who I don't like but was used perfectly. Julliette Lewis strikes me as strange and unpleasant, which is what she was in this film. And what he hell has Daniel Stern been doing? And why isn't Ellen Page in more stuff? She is adorable! And Drew Barrymore plays a good violent stoner.

And the plot wasn't quite as cookie cutter as I was expecting. It was way more of a Rocky 1 ending, when I was expecting a Rocky 2 and up ending. It was a happy ending sure, but not near as syrupy and over the top as it could have been.

Do I want to recap the plot? Not really. Ellen Page is unhappy, she discovers Roller Derby, and falls in love. Simple story, simply told. And adorable.

The Theatre Going Experience

There are some people I know who don't like going to movie theatres to see movies because they never seem to have a good experience. I used to think they were silly, or just had a run of bad luck, but I am starting to come around to their way of thinking.

Saw Tron Legacy a few weeks back. The movie? Pretty. The theatre? Gah!

No one there to take our tickets. (In fact, a harried looking girl with a broom and a walkie talkie growled into her walkie "Seriously, for god's sake, someone man the ticket counter!"

No one had cleaned out the theatre, crap everywhere. Not literally crap, but vomit. There was vomit though. Vomit on a seat in the row in front of us. We could have sat further (farther) back from the puke, but we wanted to see if any poor unfortunate souls would unknowingly sit in the puke seat.

No one did.

Someone did sit in front of my lovely wife. Someone bathed in perfume. And wearing a hat. She done did herself up to sit in the dark.

And someone, somewhere forgot to close a door so the cold Saskatchewan winter was there in the theatre with us as well.

That was a better theatre going experience than yesterday's Harry Potter clustermuggle.

Never sit near old people. Their minds are gone. They don't know how to act in polite society.

One of the old men behind us asked my brother in law to remove his hat. Okay, I thought to myself, he's old school. That's cool.

Then they all talked loudly through all of trailers. Okay, I thought, lots of people talk through the trailers.

Then they didn't shut up for the entire fucking movie. Okay, I thought, this sucks.

I din't yell at them, because they were old. Maybe a little early onset dementia or something. But they didn't look that old when the lights came up at the end. Old enough to chew and breathe loudly, and to need a potty break during the movie. They were thoughtful enough to not all go at the same time. Old fucks. One of the old fucks knocked over a girl's drink and popcorn. Didn't apologize. Probably didn't even notice. Senile old shit. He also giggled every time someone died or something dramatic happened. I wanted to move, but we were trapped in the middle of the row. And there weren't any good seats anywhere else.

And they discussed everything that happened onscreen. They always seemed surprised when someone did magic. Also: "What's that, a sword?" "Yep, that's a sword."

Guh. But halfway thru the film, a switch got flipped and I stopped being annoyed by the horrible old people and just being amused by them.

Afterwards, my sister-in-law mentioned that she overheard some of the annoying people behind us talking in the bathroom beforehand. This group behind us was comprised of an older couple taking their parents out for a movie. Also: they stuffed their ears with cotton cuz movies these days is just too dang loud. Also also: they didn't wash their hands.

Gross. Gross old people.

The new Harry Potter movie? Good.

Netflixin: Ninja Cheerleaders

First sign of quality: the production company logo is basically just a rip off of the Fantastic Four logo. Good artists borrow...

We start at a military base. Some ninjas be lurkin. Their goal is a sword in a military museum. Ninja close up: Holy Shit, he's wearing mascara! And he's a she! It's a girl, is what I'm trying to say. They hack the security system, do the old sword switcharoo and disappear into the night. True ninja professionals: in and out without alerting anyone.

Very next scene: they beat the shit out of some soldiers for no reason. Not sure if the crazy motion blur is to imply speed and skill or is just a byproduct of having to speed up the footage of the slow, unskilled actors/stunt team. The world may never know.

Dissolve to Hiroshi Martial Arts School.

HOLY SHIT IT'S GEORGE TAKEI! He is commending the girls on retrieving the sword. Nice touch: the camera pans past each girl, and the actor's names pan along as well.

George Takei as Hiroshi.

Getting the sword back was their final test and now they are ninja. He gives them their swords.

Title: Ninja Cheerleaders. (font and animation: cheesy)

The girls are being interviewed about the assault on the guards and the theft of the sword.

"I don't even speak Japanese."

Now we cut to them at Los Lomas Malas Junior College ("The Jewel of the County") and we get proper character introductions. Accompanied by the song I Know What Boys Like.

First up is April, age 18. Her sign is Aries and she's a brunette. Her favourite band is The Killers. I didn't think this film was so recent. Favourite Book: The Art of War by Sun Tzu. My final year film also name dropped that book. Me and April were meant to be. Favourite Move: Throat/groin combination. Me too! And she looks good in a bikini.

Next up is Monica, who's also 18. But blonde and a Scorpio. Her favourite band is The Strokes. She likes to dance to them in her underwear in her bedroom. I just like to type 'in her'.

Sorry. That was crass.

Her favourite book is Lullaby by Chuck Palaniuk. I have not read that one. I may never read another book now that I have Netflix. Her favourite move is the spinning side kick. Second favourite move: jumping up and down.

Last up is Courtney, she's a Leo and a very mature 19. She's also blonde (WHAT? WHERE THE HELL IS THE REDHEAD?!? LAME!!!) Her favourite band is the L.A. Philharmonic and her favourite book is Black Holes and Time Warps by Kip Thorn. Her favourite move is the open palmed nose punch. Which she demonstrated on some dude's chin.

Courtney, it seems, is trying to get into Brown. And her teacher (who is brown) is trying to get into her pants. This film, man, you have to pay attention. Some dude just tried to put the moves on Courtney, he even used "You want tickets to the gun show?" She shoots him down by pointing out that his erection is pointing out of his fly.

Back to the girls being interviewed. The offscreen interviewer asks them about Red. Red is in the hospital, all beat up. He is also their cheerleading coach. He hit on April. Invited her on a trip to Mexico. Wow these girls have legs. They also have a red bug convertible.

Tits! I looked up from typing and there were tits. Takei is instructing. Some other Asian dude is standing at the back of the class. Takei gives him the eye and then they talk. In Japanese. About the sword. The other dude has a tattoo. I mention this for no reason, I'm sure it won't come up again.

April is sparring against some black dreadlocked dude. They spar with words and fists. April wins.

I think the tits are this movie's version of star wipes. Star wipes are awesome, but I think I prefer tits.

Car chase! The cops chase some dude past a strip club. We stop following the car chase and go into the strip club. I like how this film thinks. Inside the strip club, two men argue about who was more of a military genius; Napoleon or Alexander. The three girls are there as well. The girls drop some historical knowledge on the Napoleon fan's ass. It seems that George Takei owns the strip club. And the girls work at it. They strip as Takei has a business meeting. April gives Takei's business associate a little dance and strips his gun off of him.

Tomorrow night is the All City Strip Off with a fifty-grand prize for first place. The girls are 'dancing' for their scholarship money, and this prize would put them over the top moneywise. Some drunken sailors harass them in the parking lot. They (the sailors) get their asses kicked. April is not afraid to use her nails. April and Courtney are doing all the fighting, Monica is chatting up the one sailor who thought intimidating girls in a parking lot was a bad idea. It was a bad idea, learns the man who April forces to say "I have tiny balls."

The sound mix is a little off. Too much hair rock and not enough dialogue volume.

Back to the interview room. Offscreen voice reads off a list of injuries. "That wasn't me," says Monica, "I just watched."

Monica's mom doesn't approve of their stripping, but she can't argue with her daughter getting accepted into Brown. The girls study and reflect on how far women have come since their mothers' time. They can study science and evolution whereas their mothers studied home ec. Then there is some implied lesbian undertones and tit-wipe to the next day.

They write some finals and decide to spend their lunch break working out. Oh no! The door to Hiroshi's dojo is ajar! The place has been torn apart. They decide to go to the club. They find Manny, the bouncer, shot and bleeding on the floor. They call an ambulance and then Manny tells them to leave. The safe, with all their money, was taken. The girls fret about what to do and decide to visit Jimmy the Snitch. Jimmy was the man who had a meeting with Takei at the club the night previous. April crushes his balls. "I think I made it pop. Neat." the scrotal assault is doing nothing, so they use a garden hose to give him an enema. Then a Vulcan neck pinch to put him in the trunk. Again, they argue about whether or not to write the rest of their finals or find Hiroshi.

They figure Hiroshi would want them to write their finals. I figure the tits in the tit-wipes do not belong to any of these girls.

The finals are now done, the girls are talking about how they did and what they will do next when they are confronted by Detective Harris. As soon as they learn that he is a cop, they turn on their dumb cute act. I kinda like their dumb cute act.

I have no idea what they just said, the sound mix in this is horrible.

April has a chip on her shoulder. She also is good at Googling. She finds out some important plot stuff/backstory. She finds out who the main bad guy is. So do we. We see him electrocuting Hiroshi. We also see Detective Harris bust the girls for obstruction of justice. But they just pick the locks and walk away.

Cut back to the interview room where it is revealed that it has been Detective Harris grilling them all along! OMG!!! Harris has his arm in a sling. I wonder why.

The girls stop by Roland's to pick up their music for tonight's Strip Off. I wonder if we'll see him again.

Back to the interview room where more violence is referenced. Violence we ain't seen yet. Violence we are about to see...

April beats up a bald man because he yelled at some girl scouts. The music that plays during this scene is about as close to Battle Without Honour or Humanity (you know: That song from Kill Bill) as the production company's logo is to the Fantastic Four's. April doesn't beat him up that much though. I wonder if maybe the foreshadowed violence is still yet to occur...

Courtney is picking up their cheerleading outfits from her house. Her drunken step-father, who looks remarkably similar to Sean Penn, gets into a fight with her. Verbal fight only.

The three girls talk a bit. There is some inter-group tension. I haven't minded the acting so far, but this is getting kinda bad. They can do breezy, but the drama is a bit beyond their reach. Within their reach is a bunch of ninja weaponry, and the deed to the club. Which they realize is what the bad guy is after. I think. The sound mix got sucky right around here.

Offscreen throwing star kill! The girls interrupt a dinner meeting of bad guys. The main bad guy, whose name I forget otherwise I would not keep typing 'main bad guy', is not impressed and demands the deed to the club. After the girls leave, a shadowy lady appears. She is confident she will be able to deal with the girls.

Victor Lazarro! That's the main bad guy's name. And Kinji is the name of the mystery lady.

The girls cheer at a basketball game. The tit-wipes also usually involve some ninja and/or cheerleading bits as well. Just so we're clear.

I wonder if it will ever be explained how Hiroshi, the ninja sensei, managed to get himself captured. The girls arranged to have the deed exchange occur at the school during the game. Crossbow hidden in locker! The girls torture a mook to find out where Hiroshi is being held, Kinji gets the drop on the girls, Detective Harris gets the drop on Kinji but Kinji shoots Harris with a crossbow because she is just so damn fast. But the girls are faster! They disappear while Kinji is shooting Harris. They then go to the Strip Off. Wow, this song sucks. Randal should be fired! The girls never get naked. Not sure if I have mentioned that. They are 'dancers'.

Uh oh, Courtney's drunk step-father just stumbled in! He gets kicked in the face as his step-daughter is swinging around on a pole. Tit-wipe! With an extra shot of Hiroshi walking thrown in for no reason! He's still tied up, hanging with Lazarro.

Lot's of sneaky ninja neck-cracking. I wonder if it is actually the same girls in the ninja suits? The girls are getting shot at! It's okay, though, because they are ninja! And so is George Takei! He was playing possum this whole time! Spoilers.

"Ninjas don't use guns!"
"Ah, but I'm old and I forget sometimes."

Kenji appears! They start to fight, but the fight is interrupted by April's cell phone. It's the Strip Off promoter. They won! YAY! The girls fight, as Takei watches and laughs. The weird sped-up look has returned, but not much can help out this swordplay.

Wait! I was wrong! Takei just picked up a sword! Shit just got real! Real full of bad editing and obvious stunt doubles and bad special effects. Fight ends when Hiroshi laughs and touches Kinji's face.

Happy Ending! Credits with out-takes! Set up for sequel! Credits intercut with stripping and ninjas!

Well. That film was much better put together than I was expecting. It looked good. The action could have been better but I have seen a lot worse. The acting was fine. The dialogue was not horrible. Lots of stuff happened. The sound mix was pretty shitty, but that would be my biggest complaint about this film. This odd little film about three strong young women that also introduced the use of tit-wipes. The trade off of this flick being better than I expected is that it is not nearly so bad it's good. It's so good it's average.

Since this is Netflix, and Netflix has a built in ranking system, I can tell you what I told Netflix I thought about Ninja Cheerleader. I gave it three stars. I liked it.

Netfilixin

I kinda sucked on that Scott Pilgrim review. I'll be taking a mulligan on that one some time later.

It might be a bit of a wait, though.

Why?

Because Netflix. That's why.

Netflix is like a video store in your home. And what was the best part of video stores? It wasn't the latest and greatest. I'd already seen those. It was the old and the worst. Movies whose covers or descriptions made me have to rent them. Video stores are how I discovered Evil Dead 2. And how I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kirk Douglas in a western.

I will, one day, fill in the gaps of classic cinema viewing thanks to Netflix, but until then I'll be watching films like Thankskilling.

One day, I will try to review that film. But it throws a lot at you, in fairly rapid succession. None of it good.

As I was watching this, I wanted to be jotting down notes, doing a real time review.

Which is what I'm going to do right now, for a little film called Ninja Cheerleaders.